Decluttering and Re-Imagining

I have been de-cluttering my spirit over the past few months. I had descended into some bad habits over the years. If it only takes 30 days to initiate and maintain a habit, imagine how difficult it is to shed twenty years worth of bad habits!

But I realized that the best way wasn't in fact to navel-gaze for the rest of my life and try to figure out what I should keep and what I should throw out. The best way, for me, was to grab the toilet brush between my teeth, and to turn my back on habits that didn't make me happy, and to march into the sunset, toilet brush firmly held to remind me.

De-cluttering can mean anything at all! For me, it means moving towards play and saying "YES". It's so important to play. Ooooh, we are taught to feel so guilty all the time. I'm trying to break down my deep feelings of "having to be busy". If I'm not busy, what the hell am I taking up space for? What a silly idea. Plants aren't busy. But I'm not a plant. hmmm. 

I'd like to do these things: 

• freedive in beautiful water
• climb Mount Kilimanjaro
• work as a midwife again
• go into space and see the blue jewel of earth
• kiss my grandchildren as often as possible
• run long, long distances
• organize all my books into subject
• learn more about birds
• go dancing
• visit all my friends all around the world
• learn about the constellations
• spend months in the desert

What do YOU want to do?

The Magic of Meditation

I always tell myself I'm going to start meditating, then I do, but I only keep it up for about a month or so before other things become more attractive. Like running or sleeping. I've read a lot about meditation, and I know that physiologically it makes a difference to how our bodies process stress hormones, how our blood moves, and how our bodies function in general.

But since I'm not a meditator, how can I access the kinds of things I want from meditating, without meditating? What do I want to feel? How do I want to change my body and my mind? What's my goal?

My goal is inner peace. My goal is world peace. My goal is a healthier body. My goal is a better temperament. My goal is a better birth experience for women. My goal is to be a better person. My goal is to be the best ......

Hold it right there! "working on yourself", having a "goal" in terms of self-discovery or self-care, or healing from trauma or whatever... these are not useful. Why are we starting at a place where we are intrinsically broken? Why don't we start from that place where we are whole? If you can sit with yourself for one minute and be grateful for ... grateful for just being. For the little things that may give you pleasure in the here and now, then that is good. And that's all it is.

Life is made up of tiny drops in the ocean. Do something, it will have effects. Don't do another thing, that will have effects too. I try to experience that physiological state that I imagine meditating achieves when I lie in bed. I move my consciousness through my body and check where little glitches might be, and then I fall asleep. It's when I'm running that I can free my mind. When I run my goals disappear. I run to get lost. I run to lose mySelf. I run to run.

Health Hacks for the Over 60s

Here are some simple life hacks:

1. be kind to yourself 💖
2. eat when you're hungry 😛
3. do something creative every day 💃 🎶
4. don't get bitter 😞
5. keep your feet happy 👣
6. drink lots of water 💧
7. get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day! 🏃
8. be alone at times but be with people too 👭
9. call your kids 👪
10. do fun things 😀

Well, those aren't really health hacks as we know  and read about them on the internet. "This amazing fruit will keep your skin clear for 90 days!" and all that. But they are basic rules that we forget about over time, and so simple to remember!

Yesterday I had a little meltdown and here's why: Okay, first of all, it's been a hell of a week. Just saying. World news was compounded over here by a humungous flood-style rain, then ice, then freezing rain, then snow. So it was hard to get around. 

I run a cafe with my son, who's obviously half my age. Business has been picking up, in spite of the provincial government's effort to kill small businesses. So I've been busy, and it's the two year mark of a pandemic that none of us planned for. I've noticed that every so often everyone I know, at different times of course, has a small Covid breakdown where the big existential questions come to the fore.

It's been a weird two years though, that's for sure. Our family got together in November, and in the week that we were all together - all five kids and four of their "others" - three of the daughter-in-laws lost someone close to them, and not an ancient old great-aunt either. I've had a series of friends with pretty shitty health problems, one got hit by a car...who gets hit by a car??? And three members of my family had serious ruptures with very close friends. 

So there ya go, and I don't think we are special. It's been a hell of a ride. So anyway, yesterday, I drove home in the snowy ice and backed my car into a snowbank in our driveway from which I could not extricate myself because the snow was on top of three inches of ice.  I never get stuck! I've been driving since I was 18 and I'm a damn good driver! My son helped me get out and I was PISSED. And scared.

Scared? Later in the evening, I was definitely hangry but I just melted down. Because the incident with the car scared me into thinking that I was turning into a weak old lady with none of the strength and sass that I've always had. Driving badly, getting weaker, losing my hearing, maybe even losing my marbles.

It's like being a teenager: you don't know what's happening and you're worried it's going to be fatal. And it is going to be fatal, of course. So I start thinking about how much I can fit into the next thirty years, if I live to 95, and how I would have done things differently, and I go down a rabbit hole of doubt and despair. I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm not young any more! And I wonder how that happened, and why. My dog's snout is all white as she, too, ages. 

Follow my rules: be kind to yourself 💖, eat when you're hungry 😛, do something creative every day 💃 🎶, don't get bitter 😞, keep your feet happy 👣, drink lots of water 💧, get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day! 🏃, be alone at times but be with people too 👭, call your kids 👪, do fun things 😀.

Running Memories

I'm so fortunate to be able to run. Here are some running memories.

 

Lying Fallow

I've had times in my life where I've been lying fallow, waiting for the next cycle to begin. I think I'm just coming out of one of those times. I may have seemed busy, either to myself or to others, but the busyness was a superficial activity like the microbial activity on the surface of the earth. 

In a way, I think I was lying quietly, waiting to capture something that can't be captured. That elusive prey was a feeling of belonging, of being recognized and acknowledged. I lay so quietly, wanting that thing, that I started to forget who I was. So I started to be someone else, who I really wasn't.I started saying yes when I meant no, and no when I meant yes.

Living through the pandemic has thrown many of us into looking more carefully at our lives and our choices. I've been noticing weird parallels and similarities between my life and choices and other people's - people who I would never have admitted a similarity to had it not been for this dramatic event we are all living through.

I went to the desert a few weeks ago. I love it there. I would move there tomorrow if ... 

I love the clean-ness of the air there, not clean in the environmental, physical sense (although it does seem quite fresh), but clean almost in a spiritual sense. The wind blows, the sand moves, the bunnies jump around, the desert truly and clearly doesn't give any indication that it cares about you or notices you, in the sense that you can't anthropomorphize it like a shady tree or a sweet babbling brook.

So the desert gave me a chance to strip myself (figuratively, folks) naked and ask myself: who am I? 

The pandemic has given everyone this opportunity: a chance to be alone, to ponder, to daydream, to change our "normal". Have we done so? No, we have not. 

But one thing the desert always shows us is that there's always another morning, when the wind is blowing and the sand moves lightly. It's not too late to wake up and make a move. It's not too late to recover the land that has been lying fallow. It's scary, though. To be honest with yourself. To say what you believe. To engage in a discourse with others, instead of either deleting people (guilty) or falsely agreeing with them (guilty).

Well, my answers to that age-old question (who I am) were not super clear. The desert doesn't actually give you the answers, it just gives you the peace and quiet so you can try to figure them out. 

• I'm a woman 👩
• I'm a wife 👰
• I'm a mother 💞
• I'm a runner 🏃
• And a Grandmother!!!! 💓

And then there are all the microscopic things that we add on, like extra toppings on the pizza: midwife, writer, cafe owner, saxophone and clarinet player, traveler. I'm good at Trivial Pursuits. I don't like green peppers. I was shocked by the Liberal's reaction to the demonstrations in Ottawa. I don't mind breaking rules if I think they're unjust. I have three Pfizer vaccines in my body. 

Maybe fallow is the time we can separate fact from fiction: separate those things we do "just" to impress others from the things that we do instinctively. Or even the things that we do to impress ourselves, even those things can be recognized by the harsh light of the desert. 

Now is a time in our world when we are moving further and further away from each other. We are drawing thicker and thicker lines between ourselves and amongst ourselves, with little chance of repair. It's time to take some breaths and lie down. Feel the earth under you. Remember what's real. Remember what's true.

Foot Self-Care

 

Did you know your foot has 26 bones, 30 joints and more than 100 muscles, tendons and ligaments? Feet are wonderful appendages, and they keep us going where we want to go. The big toe has magical properties that keep our bodies balanced when we walk, stand or run. Every small part of the foot is kind of a miracle, as far as I can figure, and it's up to us to be kind to our feet.

As we get older, our whole bodies sag. This is true, don't try to deny it. When I look at my little grandson, I marvel at his elastic, ecstatic skin, and his ability to move in all sorts of ways that become more difficult the older we get. I look at the skin of my daughters-in-love and I marvel at their smooth, unblemished skin and their white sclera (my eyes got yellowish because I love the sun and didn't ever wear sunglasses).

Our feet don't really sag ... well actually they do a little bit. They get wider, and our arches may get a little lower and closer to the earth. Sometimes our toes start to spread in intriguing ways. But I'm all about accepting the peculiar shapes of the older female body, and my mission is to figure out how to keep my body running smoothly while I'm still situated in it.

So, one thing I like to do is to offer my feet some regular love. I'm pretty hard on the old gals: I am on my feet all day (9-4) at my cafe, then I like to run as long and as often as I can. This all leads to my fascia getting a little stretchy and sore, my feet getting calluses, and those 26 bones feeling a little sore, especially after a long run on snow and ice.

What to do?

Examine your feet.  👣What do you not like about them? Some things you can fix, and others you have to accept (are feet like life?). 

Foot issues you can fix at home: 

•  👣dry or ravaged skin around the ball of your foot, heel or anywhere
•  👣bunions
•  👣fascia issues

Foot issues that may need professional help:

•  👣chronic Plantars fasciitis: go to the doctor and get this condition properly diagnosed. 
•  👣chronic Athlete's foot: prescription meds may be the answer
•  👣pain that doesn't go away: all sorts of issues can give you pain that doesn't seem to pass, including over-training, badly-fitted shoes, osteoporosis, and other conditions. So if you have pain that isn't reacting to any of your home treatments, get it checked out.

For dry or cracked skin, I love to give my feet a home spa treatment. Fill a basin with very hot water and your favourite oil. Then watch your favourite show, read a book, knit, or daydream. When the water is cold, carefully dry your feet. Now you can start doing the less fun job of scraping off the old skin, cutting your nails, and rubbing down calluses with a pumice stone. Paint your nails if you want! 

Every so often, I'll give my feet a foot mask. And I also like to remember to moisturize my feet before bed (but I usually forget 😂).

Bunions sound weird and they are usually a side-effect of ageing. It's when your big toe joint moves away from the rest of your foot, and makes your big toe turn in to crowd out the other toes. It can be painful, especially after a long run. I got some toe spacers - these are excellent but you have to be disciplined and use them regularly. Start off ten minutes a day when you're relaxing, then move to wearing them when working out. You will find that your bunions shrink, and they're also good for fasciitis and increasing foot strength.

The fascia is a gooey/ membraneous material that surrounds most of our muscles, organs and inner bits and pieces. Sometimes, the fascia surrounding our feet and holding the many bones, tendons, ligaments and muscles in place becomes irritated and painful. If you have a look at this website  you will see another explanation of the fascia: that it isn't a membrane that holds everything together, but it's actually the basic material of the body from which muscles, organs and all the soft squishy parts of our bodies spring. Whatever the case, if you have a pain in your foot, you can try toe spacers, massage, rest, and also rubbing the sole of your foot with a tennis ball or (better) one of these things: 

no it's not a Covid molecule. 

These are spiky rubber balls that you can give your feet a lovely massage with, or just put it on the floor and rub your feet back and forth when your sitting.

Love your feet! You don't have to spend a lot of money on them, but remember that they do need care, and that usually problems can be resolved if you catch them quickly and spend time on them. Rest is so important! So is moisture! Be kind to those funny appendages that help you run, walk, stand and keep balanced. 

♡∫

Competitive Spirit

The first official running race I participated in was this one: a half marathon (21 kilometers), when I had just turned 59. I loved everything about it! The camaraderie; the cups of water; the corny posters; the feeling that I couldn't do it and then I did!

I still love running races. I've done a bunch of them since then. The first in-person one I did since the beginning of Covid was last October. My smile lasted about two kilometers, when I lost myself in the joy of hearing all those other runners' feet pitter-pattering in front, beside and behind me. Then my self caught up with me and I spent the next two hours or so agonizing about my life and all the things that were going wrong and have gone wrong in the past.

Am I an impostor? Was the main question I kept asking myself. The jury is still out on that one. Because here's the thing: as soon as I say I'm anything, especially these days as the social media is ready to pick up and amplify any little piece of horse shit that escapes my mouth, as soon as I say I'm a midwife or a caring person or whatever, a witch and the like, then .... then I am that. And I necessarily have to be the BEST at whatever it is I've said I am.

And if I'm not the best, then I'm an impostor.

We live in an age of experts.

Experts, apparently, study stuff. They know about stuff and they can tell other people how to do things. But there are so many, many experts out there it's hard to know who to believe. So a regular person just finds the expert they agree with and build a game plan from there. But that leads to some difficulties: first of all, you can't just pick any expert. Some people do actually know more than others about any given subject. As a lay-trained midwife, I know that I don't have as much technical knowledge as an OBGYN... so I shouldn't represent myself in opposition to them. But I do, or rather, we do ... we seem to be living in an age when we are all projecting images of ourselves that are larger than life, and better than the puny reality.

The second difficulty with finding an expert to guide you on your way is the problem of responsibility. If you're following an expert's advice and things go sideways, who are you going to blame? Yourself? I don't think so. If you've already decided that you need an expert to help you do whatever it is that you want to do, then you've already given them some degree of responsibility. 

So, if we do away with experts? Well, no one is going to do brain surgery on themselves I hope. But maybe we could tweak the idea a little bit. Maybe we could add some humility to the picture. Perhaps we could reduce our need for experts, trust ourselves a little more, and remember that living life isn't actually like running a race. No one really wins: it isn't really about the survival of the fittest.