Rest, Recovery, Reflection, Renewal?

I am sitting on a hilltop in northern Italy, rather completely on my own. My dog is here. I'm surrounded by insects, animals (deer, wild boars, the odd wolf, badgers, and all that). I planned for a very active summer, running at least 40 k a week, which I love doing - running long distances is literally my happy place. But then some stuff happened and I got Covid and now I just feel cellularly tired. So every day I spend quite a few hours just sitting staring out at the view. 

And what I've been asking myself is that difficult, age old question: Who Am I?

When you spend hours alone, especially in a spot where silence is the overwhelming sound, you get a chance to really "dig deep" and find out what your questions are. I can't really believe that I have been inhabiting this body and mind and soul I guess for nearly 66 years and I still don't really know who or what I am. So, let me start at the beginning, well maybe not that far back but ... 

Names

I guess you all know the story about how Toni Morrison got her name. Toni she decided on herself, after converting to Catholicism at age 12 and naming herself Anthony. Morrison was her husband's name and she was stuck with it because when her first novel was published she was still using it as her legal name even though they were already divorced. There's an quote floating around from 1992 that goes like this: 

"I am really Chloe Anthony Wofford. That’s who I am. I have been writing under this other person’s name. I write some things now as Chloe Wofford, private things. I regret having called myself Toni Morrison when I published my first novel, The Bluest Eye.”

Well, the same kind of thing happened to me. I'd always been Niki, or Nicky when I was very young. Or Nicola when my parents were mad at me. Then in my forties I had a brush with religion - not Catholicism - and I was persuaded to change my name. So I changed it to Rivka, a name I don't even like that much, but who gets to pick their own name. And then my work as a doula, birth companion, teacher, author and my whole birth persona grew wings under the guise of Rivka Cymbalist and there I was, and here I am, just like Toni Morrison (ha!).

So, for now, Niki is reserved for my family and people who knew me before the Great Name Change. But I'm kind of getting tired of inhabiting two separate lives so I may just change my name again.

Bodies

Who knew? Bodies change. I thought the biggest change would be that infamous time when I grew breasts and got my period. Pregnancy was fun. I didn't have such a tough time with it, in fact I enjoyed growing babies. Birthing them was tough, but I really loved having little babies and children around, and breastfeeding, and those body changes didn't really bother me. Some fibroids, a touch of hyperthyroid. Nothing serious. 

Menopause was kind of a relief, no more monumentally Niagara Falls cycles. No more fertility, and I was ready for that, because I was happy with my five children. Did I think I'd overdone it? No.

But then, the thing is, everyone goes on about menopause because it's when a woman is no longer fertile and I guess biologically speaking no longer useful. But the body changes more dramatically and more quickly after the whole menopause thing is history.

I've written about this before, and I have to point out, it's not specific ailments that bother me - thank goodness - I'm healthy. But just like during puberty and adolescence, and I'm imagining anyone with body dysmorphia, I just don't feel right in my skin. Its like my clothes don't fit me right, except they do. My clothes fit, I still take the same size more or less, a medium. But it's my skin that doesn't fit. It feels weird, it's too loose, it's floppy, it doesn't feel like its mine. I look funny in the mirror, who's that old lady? Why is her skin all dry? damn it, why didn't I wear sunscreen for all those years? 

So that's the tunnel I can fall down when I don't remember to center and use moisturizer every morning. Yes, it is my body, yes indeed I am very grateful and proud of it, it's like an old car, just keeps on chugging. But I can't help it, it feels weird.

Profession

Oh goodness, could I just say I'm a witch? I guess not....but this is weird too because I think I studied witchery and magic my whole life, and science too of course. And poetry, and of course I learned all about having kids and all when I went ahead and had five of them. 

But my professional label doesn't exist, because I'm not a registered midwife. I'm a birth companion or whatever. My Impostor Syndrome kicks in frequently; sometimes I think my actual profession is "Impostor".

I've mostly been a mother. 

And the renewal part of this whole exploration? It's a deep, deep sense that change means pain, and from pain comes change. Life just doesn't stop, until it does. So, in a sense, my resting, my recovery, my reflections ... lead to a renewal of sorts which is a kind of an acceptance of the continually changing nature of my life: child, young woman, mother, older woman, mother, older woman, grandmother, mother, birth attendant, peace keeper, rebel, anarchist, runner, crone...

A Cautionary Tale

I'm starting another Gratitude Alphabet. I first did one back in 2014, after my mother died. I think now is the time for another one: this past year has been foggy and strange for everyone, and sometimes we need to remind ourselves we are grateful.

I'm starting this alphabet with A for A Cautionary Tale.

In January 2020, I decided to start a run streak. That means that I would run at least a mile every single day. I ended up running a total of 1,111 miles during that year, and it was good. It helped me get out of the house; it gave me my much-needed solitude - living with a houseful of related males was fun and sometimes too much; it kept me fit.

In January 2021, I realized that my foot hurt pretty badly. And my muscles were cramping all the time: something was up! I am lucky - I have a family doctor, so I called her up and she sent me for an x-ray of my foot.

The day after the x-ray, I got a scary call. Severe Osteoporosis! No running, huge amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and a bone scan. I also added in some magnesium as I knew that the balance of calcium and magnesium needed to be maintained. My muscle cramps disappeared. My foot continued to hurt. I spent February sitting on the couch in the evenings having a drink (never more than one). Exercise wasn't happening. Oh, yea, I did the Plank Challenge. I can plank for two minutes. 

Bone scan happened. Three weeks passed! That's several different cocktail recipes. I wondered if I would ever be able to run again. Foot hurt. I got a fancy gizmo to wear on my toes. I was still on my feet every day working at my cafe.

March. My doctor calls me and says Oooops, weird. No osteoporosis, in fact my risk level is very very very low. I didn't bother asking why they said at first that I had the severe osteoporosis. Maybe because I'm 64, or who knows. Anyway, I don't have it so that's great! I started running again, short runs. I still want to do a 50k for my 65th birthday. But ... I am running very, very slowly. I feel weird when I run. Sluggish. I wonder if I have Covid. I can't seem to make my muscles move properly, but I'm not tired. Just "sluggish".

I kept running and decided it's the price you have to pay for taking an injury break. My running group leader said that it's the price I have to pay for doing a running streak. I'm just not convinced. Everyone's telling me different things, but none of it really adds up to how I'm actually feeling.

I teach a doula course. One of the main values that guides my practice, as a birth companion and as a teacher, is that we really only have our senses to guide us in this practice. One of our most valuable senses is the sense of intuition. I was chatting with one of my students about her main project, and she randomly mentioned that she takes magnesium at night after a stressful day: it helps her muscles relax and helps her sleep.

The next day, I stopped taking magnesium. A few days after that, I went for a run. I felt so different! I was back to my normal self! Yes, I'm not a fast runner, but I'm surely not a tortoise. I was literally poisoning myself with magnesium because of a suggestion that my doctor had made, on the basis of a false diagnosis!

My advice to you: 

• Know your body. If it feels weird, then it is weird. Something's wrong. If someone tells you something is happening in your body that just doesn't seem right, then try and figure out what's going on. 
• Be careful! Don't take supplements, herbs or anything unless you are very sure that it is safe and useful.
• Trust other people, but not 100%! Even a doctor can be wrong sometimes.
• If you're an older woman, perhaps a run streak isn't for you. Since my streak, I have been intrigued by how much of our advice in the sports and athletic world (and nutrition, and medication, and medicine...) is based on the adult male body. Women, especially older women, need to train differently from men. They have more stamina, but they burn energy differently, and most importantly, they recover differently. I was doing myself a disservice by emulating my heroes' run streaks, as I wasn't actually listening to what MY body needs. My body needs a day every week to recover and rest. 

I am grateful today for my healthy body, for the time I have to spend, for my lovely doula students.... oh, I am going way beyond A... tomorrow will be B.

26.2: Marathons are Fun!!

How was my second marathon? I had a really good time … I ran. I talked to a bunch of people from all over the world. I ran. I ran some more. I ran past beautiful scenery and got cheered on by many, many, many spectators (the Edinburgh marathon crowds are the best!).

Almost there! (mile 24)

The spectators? Families, lots of them. Small bands playing music – a family with mum and kids, mum playing the saxophone, kids handing out candies. Kids blowing bubbles, and us all running through them. Lots of high fives with tiny hands. Many families in their tiny front yards – music blaring, beers being drunk, candies being offered to us runners as we went by. The best? Around mile 24, a family had sliced thousands of orange slices – I’ve never tasted an orange so good!!

I hadn’t been feeling super well that morning. It’s tough flying into a new place and adjusting to the food and then running 42 k. It was raining very hard. The start of the race cured me of any doubts. There were over 7000 people racing and the energy was uplifting. We started, and ran through the old part of the city, then down to the water.

I stopped at mile 6. Nature called, and I was in and out quickly. By mile 13 I was feeling weirdly tired; I usually don’t get super tired until around mile 20. I slowed down, and started worrying about dying or not finishing the race…. then I thought about my special people. I started feeling the gratitude that I knew would carry me through. I am so grateful for the body I have: the legs that can carry me over roads and hills; the lungs that can breathe deeply enough to energize me for hours as I run; the metabolism that is fine with a little starvation or thirst.

At mile 14 I started a game. I pretended I was running a half-marathon. I imagined myself going out the door and getting on the metro, on my way to a half marathon race in Montreal. I picked up speed and my energy returned. I was psyched, and happy, I smiled throughout almost the whole distance.

We entered a forest and when we left it, at around mile 20, the wind started. Big time. Gusts up to 24 mph, and a headwind that made it hard to breathe. Last marathon I ran, I created a headwind out of my emotional state that held me back. This time, I was doing great, and the wind was physical and intense. I ran through it, and finally I reached the finish line. My husband was there but I didn’t even see him. He said I looked like I was gliding, and I was. I finished the distance, and I did it with gratitude in my heart and a smile on my face.

But my time? How fast did I go??? That’s the question on everybody’s mind, because after all, it is a race. Well, actually, I ran it 8 minutes slower than my first one, and my first one was 5:34…and I was super disappointed last time.

So am I disappointed now? No! Sure I’d love to run faster, and I have already identified some things I have to tweak. Logistics things, and training things (thanks Perse!) But I’m not disappointed because I realized that, for me, the pleasure is in the journey. I’m not talking about being super happy with a DNF. But I’m happy and proud that I ran the whole way, and that I succeeded in my goal.

In these times of self-aggrandizement, mutual back-patting, and public vilification, everybody wants to post about how well they did: I beat my PR! My birth was just what I wanted! I am the best volunteer person in history! I lost 375 pounds in a week! And on, and on, ad nauseum.

What’s behind this nonsense though? A simple human need, that has grown pathologically because we have so much time on out hands. The need is simple: everybody wants to be loved; to be special; to matter. And so we create a persona for ourselves that our tricky minds convince us will better reach that goal. How much do you leave out when you’re posting all your stuff on the social media? More importantly, because who really cares about a reality made up of electrical impulses (oh, I forgot, that’s the human physical reality…), more importantly, how are we damaging ourselves when we create incomplete or misleading stories about ourselves?

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped millions of people live with their addiction. Addiction never really goes away, but people learn to manage the fact that they are addicts and they can live happy, productive lives. The organization, of course, has its critics, but one of the main tenets is honesty. That is, the ability to describe yourself honestly to yourself and others.

I’m struggling with this idea. To try to be honest to yourself? Always! That’s part of the main tasks of life itself, I believe. To discover who you are and to refine and make that person better, and to live “yourself” as honestly as possible. To try to be honest with others? Mostly, and mostly superficially, it’s a good idea. Don’t lie, swindle, cheat.

But are some secrets better kept … secret? A difficult diagnosis, for a while. A difficult past. Some traumatic events that don’t need to be talked about. Sometimes, an inconvenient emotion. I’ve kept some secrets for many, many years. Mostly from people I don’t know: I’m not one of those people who tell their whole difficult life story on air and feel the public love because of it. But some secrets I’ve kept from people very close to me. Is that wrong? I’m not sure.

So, from the profound to the superficial: I’m an amateur runner, and I run at a pretty average speed for my age. I’m a “back-of-the-pack” racer, and happy and grateful that my body works so well. But I still felt a twinge of self-doubt when I looked at the results and saw that embarrassing number. 5:42:20. Sheesh. Couldn’t I have run faster? Hey, I ran a full marathon, and I did it with a smile on my face. What could be better than that?

The Runner's Alphabet

A is for Attitude.

B is for Badass

C is for Calories

D is for Depression

E is for Endorphins

F is for Friends

G is for Gym

H is for Happiness

I is for Intervals

J is for Joints

K is for Knees

L is for Love

M is for Marathon

N is for Victory

O is for Oxygen

P is for PR

Q is for Quads

R is for Runners

S is for Smile

T is for Training

U is for Underwear

V is for V02

W is for Woman

X is for Cross-training

Y is for You!

Z is for Zen

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTU and VWXYZZZ now I know my ABCs
next time won't you run with me?

8 Kilometer Thoughts

Mostly cloudy, -12 (Celsius)

Hmmm glad I wore my cleats, it's super icy. Kind of getting sick of Kenny Rogers, gotta get some new tunes. No! Summertime Blues? Next...

Okay, out and back, four k out then turn... or should I shake things up a bit? Ok, light's green, it's gonna be an out and back.

So, why can't I be happy? I'm always miserable with everything. I just need to live in the moment. Mindfulness. That's what running can teach me. Good. Good to run. Remember how grateful you are to have a healthy strong body. 

I'm gonna go the long way around this roundabout, there we go. Gotta remember to do the same on the way back. Na, not feeling it today. 2 k blues. Weird how that happens. 

Great song! Love the Wood Brothers. Damn my nose is running a lot today. They said the sun was gonna come out. But no. Grey shitty day. Montreal. Why can't I be happy here? Ok, stay in the moment. Be happy! Breathe!

So, yeah, the difference between Goals and Expectations. That's gotta be my mantra from today on forever. No expectations. Ok, like, if I have a goal to, let's say, finish a marathon. That's a goal. Expectation to win? Haha. Expectations that the dishes'll be done when I get home? No! Not realistic, also I shouldn't think about what other people are gonna do. Ok, my mantra for the rest of my life. No expectations. But goals! Marathon. Training. Being a better person. All that. 

Damn! What a beautiful day! I'm so lucky to have a healthy bod. Gotta be careful to NEVER cross in the middle, runners get hit by cars because of the high. Wait for the light. No cars coming, ok, go! 

Yikes, that was a serious piece of ice. Like a skating rink, hard, transparent. You can still slip if you're wearing cleats. I hate falling. Gotta learn how to fall.

Yeah, stairs, I love stairs. Up, cross over the tracks, down. Good one! Great song! Love the old Led Zeppelin for good running tunes. Ya, the good old days. Revolution! Yeah. Damn my hankie is getting so wet. Hey another runner! 

So don't wave back, bitch. Was she wearing cleats? I'm a pussy. She was going faster than me. Taller too. I look like a short fat hedgehog running along. Who am I kidding. 

Oh, 50%, ok time to turn around, yay I don't have to cross R. street, never get the light. Nice, I feel good! four k already? Great! Ya, a little detour, the long way around, better. A fucking Maserati? Who needs a Maserati? What is wrong with everyone? Capitalism! Bullshit. Well, you're living it. I should just move up to my mountain. 

How fast am I going? Damn, speed it up. That's better. Ok, no checking my watch until I'm at 90%. Ok, what's 8 k divided by 10? Like, four fifths, and what's four fifths of 8 k? Ok, so 8 divided by five is. Ok, so five miles divided by five is one. But that's not right because I have 15% left, so what's 5% of five miles? Damn I looked at my watch.

Ok, sprint home, one k left. For fuck's sake, why are you PARKING on the sidewalk? Damn, you shouldn't get mad when you're running, mindfulness, happiness, feel good, ok, 110%...done. Yeah good run!

Running Home

I never thought I'd be interested in a sport. I guess running isn't a sport, per se. Anyway, I have a drawer full of running gear, I have three different pairs of running shoes, I now read running articles and magazines, and I would rather be on a nice long run than just about anything else.
So what happened?
It's just wonderful to feel yourself strong and in your body. It's fun to run like you used to when you were a kid. There's no team work involved, so you don't have to relate to anyone except yourself. It's fun to sweat, and it's fun to achieve something in a half hour that you didn't think you could do. It's even fun to come home after a not-so-great run and feel a sense of satisfaction that at least you went out and did it.

Another weirder thing, for me. When I'm out running it's the only time I feel normal. I rarely feel at home in my skin. From being a white colonial baby in Africa cared for by my Ayah, to suddenly moving to oil country (Alberta) when a toddler, and being the only weirdo in school... and becoming a wanderer... whatever, I felt like an outsider much of my life and sometimes that is even outside myself. Which yes is also weird.

But when I'm running? I'm here and now! I'm free again - running in the Rockies, or anywhere. Just running for the hell of it. Ya, so get shoes, clothing, gloves whatever a hat if its cold, and just step out... and run...

Of course there are problems, life is suffering after all. Don't go out alone on a rural road if you're a woman. Don't run after dark in an isolated area if you're a woman. And all that. Even today, some asshole yelled after me ... actually he yelled AT me while I ran past. I turned back around and came up to face him again... he looked down at the ground. Didn't want to deal with a mean-ass bad-ass 62 year old like yours truly.

I'll have run 1000 kilometres in 2018. I'm hoping to crunch a half marathon in February and a full in May.
So grateful that I can.

My 10 Favourite Running Books (and 3 extras)

I love to read. My night table is piled with books and my house is a testament to my love of reading. Bookshelves are packed, sometimes sideways, and I have a hard time deciding which ones to give away if they get too crowded. My cafe is a reader's haven, and the main library in downtown Montreal is one of my favourite places. And along with the regular social media platforms that everyone lives on, one of my favourites is Goodreads (check out my 10 favourite running books!).

So, of course, I love to read about my other favourite activity: running. Although I would never want to mix them. I am not that person who runs on a treadmill with a book in front of her. No, my idea of reading involves sitting or lying down, preferably with a hot beverage or tasty carb.

Here are my ten favourite running books. Scroll or read down to find out what my all-time favourite is!

Number Ten

I am not a mathematician! And I don't organize my life too far ahead. Ok, I did a 26 week marathon training plan. But it was an easy one, and it was 26 weeks long precisely because it had space for life to happen. This book is well written, and very informative. It contains the "every running book" chapters on nutrition, injury, and has some strength training exercises and flexibility stretches included.

The running schedules are detailed and specific and include programs for beginners to advanced for halfs, marathons and BQs. But the complicated equations are just too much trouble for me to figure out. For example, I'm supposed to do this on the first run of week nine: "2x(6x400) (90sec RI); (2 min 30 sec RI between sets)". By week nine I am already juggling work, home and family and I can't be bothered to 1. figure out what it means and 2. spend fifteen minutes setting my watch. So, this book is great for running geeks but not for people with busy lives.

Number Nine

  

The Illegal, by Lawrence Hill (of The Book of Negroes fame), is not a running manual and has no clever tips for runners. It is a novel, set in a futuristic African country, about a runner who has to make life-and-death decisions that revolve around his running talents and how they are used. Tired after your long run? Laid up with an injury? Read this!

Number Eight

This entertaining book follows the author around the world as he explores what makes us run. He is a professor of English literature so the book is literate and fun. Slightly uppity at times, almost making you feel evilly happy when his marathon time ends up being five hours (he made a comment about middle-aged women runners at some point in the book). But a fun ride and worth reading if you get a chance.

Number Seven

This is a little gem of a book is a collection of essays by philosophers who run or runners who philosophize. "Long-Distance Running and the Will to Power" is the first essay. There are essays on pain; running and the existential conundrum; running and freedom; passion and marathons (and how a zombie could not run a marathon); and a philosopher's argument for running to music. If you think, run, and read then this book is for you!

Number Six

  

I picked this up in a little second hand bookstore, along with George Orwell's Brave New World. I was six weeks away from my first marathon and I was reading everything I could. This book is for the regular person who wants to run a marathon, and it's good: friendly, down-to-earth, and packed with some great tips. I found the training plans a little too cerebral (heart rate, intensity rate, percentages ... can't do 'em ... but someone less impatient than me would enjoy them!). It's a fun book to have around.

Number Five

 

I had read about this book and I really wanted to read it. So one day I was at our lovely huge library downtown, and I decided I would get it. The catalogue said it was available. It was winter; I was wearing my winter coat and boots and carrying a heavy backpack. I ran up the three flights of stairs to the stacks and looked for my book. I went and asked the librarian, who said it should be there. Went back and searched. She looked it up, came and searched. By now I was in a full-blown winter gear sweat and feeling stressed. Haha, no mindfulness there! A few days later, a customer brought a copy in to my cafe for me to read. Patience is a virtue! The book is a great read, and tells the author's story while speaking of Buddhist meditation, western business, and running marathons with a mindful approach.

Number Four

Runner's World published this book about ten years ago, but it is still relevant and super informative for us women runners. It has chapters on your regular runner's issues: training, FAQs, moving forward from a beginners to an intermediate runner, and racing. But the beauty of the book is its specific tips and insights into running as a woman: safety, balancing our busy lives, running during the childbearing year, the older woman, running and adolescence, body image, nutrition are all topics that we as women runners are interested in, and we can find answers in this great book. Every woman runner wants a running buddy like this one!

Number Three

I wanted this book. I wanted something that would light a fire under my lazy runner's block soul and get me out there again. I was feeling bad after my first marathon. Very bad. I was a grand total of 61 years old, I'd been running seriously for about five years, and I did my first marathon in 5:34 and I felt so disappointed in myself! BooHoo!! So I wanted to straighten myself out and I thought this book could help.

Yes, I can swear with the rest of them, in a couple of different languages even. But I don't like unnecessary cursing. They just put F*UCK on the cover to get people's attention, and I think that's stupid. So, I covered my copy with a pretty race bib:

Simon Marshall is a physician and professor of sports and exercise psychology. He is married to endurance athlete Lesley Paterson, and between the two of them they have produced an excellent book. Marshall explains how the athlete's brain works, during training, during racing and afterwards. He has filled the book with interactive exercises, tips, suggestions and hard-ass advice for us all, whether you are a runner with Imposter Syndrome, or a triathlon athlete who wants to get better at their game.

Did it light my fire? Yes! I am back on track. Most importantly, it helped me understand why I was feeling so down and what to do about it next time.

Number Two

An amazing story that traces our ability to run, and explores what makes humans different from all other animals: we are born to run! Read the book and find out how and why.

Number One

Everyone should read this book! It's written by a champion, but she doesn't talk down to us lowly back-of-the-packers. Her story, and her struggles, and her triumphs come alive on the page. Her attitude and her focus teach everyone about the advantages of keeping a positive attitude. This book can change your life!




So much more to read! Suggestions?

The Perfect Run? It's All in your Head!

The Perfect Run?

Does it exist? Of course it does! When you're out the door, on a beautiful day, with nothing to do but spend the next couple of hours running. Your shoes are perfectly tied, your clothes fit. It's a lovely warmish dry day. You didn't eat too much or too little, you have nothing to worry about ... you're in heaven! You're gonna have a perfect run!

Reboot.

Then there are those other runs, the ones from the dark side.

Yesterday I headed out for a long run - 3 3/4 hours worth - and I knew it wouldn't be good. I couldn't find the right clothes; my hair was itchy down my back; I realized way too late in the day I hadn't eaten enough, so I gobbled down some crusty toast and cashew butter just before leaving, and  tried to make a protein shake but I forgot to put the lid on properly, at least I was near the sink so when I shook it most of the explosion landed .... you get the picture. Anyway, I headed out and started putting those feet one after the other.

Reflections.

You know when you're running, and you feel pretty good, tall and svelte, running across a beautiful meadow in your mind? Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window? That's right. There she was, Mrs. Tiggywinkle, bouncing along, with her pink bobble hat bouncing on top of her head. And she was going so slowly! She checked her watch. Yip. Going slow.

More Reflections.

Then I started talking to myself. I started trying to pull myself away from the gloom that had descended upon me over the past few days. The best way to do this, I find, is just to concentrate on the body. What's happening with my breath? Is my chest open? How are my shoulders? Is my torso straight? Hands relaxed by my sides? Is my jaw clenched? Head upright? How's my gait? Are my hips working well? How are my feet landing? That little knee pain I had, what's happening with that? How many steps am I taking per minute? They say 180 is good. For a while I run ...two...three...one ... two ... three ...all good.

Onward!

I decided I would run this 225 minute run in three stages: the first stage would be hills, up to "the mountain" and around there on the trails for a bit. I got there and there was still lots of snow. Staying on the roads and sidewalks was easier, so I lengthened the next leg and ran far, far into the east end of the city. The third leg was easier in a way: I knew I was going home and I knew I would achieve my time goal. But harder because I'm learning that at around the three-hour mark I get kind of bored with my own company, and my legs start to get a little heavy.

I had some fancy sports jelly-beans with me that helped with my energy level, and a nice backpack with water, so physically I was set. But mentally? Not good! My mind wouldn't stop burrowing around with this and that thought, and any time I would catch one of those squirrelly things, it would run away and then sneak up on me a couple of kilometres down the road. Thoughts of my finances, the cafe finances; my kids and if they are happy; my husband and our life together; the refugees I didn't really help much in Greece last year; why refugees anyway; why is there evil in the world, and I would remember to concentrate on my breath, my gait, my steps ... and have a little peace and then it would all start again.

The Triumphant Return

Anyhow, I ran home, stretched, ate a burger, and all was well.

Yes, reader, you guessed it.

I had a great week! Really! Okay, the cafe was packed (yay!), I had lots to do at home to prepare for Passover (yay!), I got my two short runs in and my cross-training (yoga - yay!), and then BOOM!

Friday afternoon I'm clearing my flowers (spring -yay!). I did a nice deep squat and could hardly get up - my knee!! So, RICE for the weekend, and no stairs, and no running, and no long run especially (it was gonna be four hours) ... and a lot of time to think.

Yes, "we are made of dreams and bones". Bones, muscles, fascia, all that physical stuff ... super important, especially when you're training to run a marathon. Also when you're giving birth, making love, eating...But the "dream" part - without that, we're nothing! If you don't have that dream, rather, if you allow yourself to grumble instead of dream; if you bring your unhappinesses  "along inside your soul", and let them drag behind you, then your body will suffer.

Lesson Learned?

The lesson I learned from my knee? Just as I check my water, phone for music, watch, that I'm wearing the right clothes for the weather, that I've had my last-minute pee and that I've eaten enough ... I need to check my mental state and throw my emotional garbage out before my long run. Because if I don't, it will grind away at my joints, crumple up my fascia, brittle down my cartilage and generally make a mess of things - the longer the run, the bigger the mess.

In life, as in birth work, as in running - leave your ego at the door, lace up, and go have fun! You will get your perfect run.

My Personal Best: Training for A Marathon

The Hypothermic?

A couple of weeks ago I ran a race aptly titled the Hypothermic Half Marathon. I'm training for a marathon now, and I'm well past the half-way mark, and my long runs are long ... so I figured I would like some company for this one, so I registered and ran.

It was fun! I chopped nine minutes off my previous Half Marathon speed (2:24:21 from 2:33:31 if you're interested). I had a hoot! I started off right next to the 2:30 bunny but I realized I was able to go faster and steadier on my own, so I did! But a couple of other women in my category ran faster than me, so I ended up third. But as the oldest woman in the race (over 500 people) I did well.

So? Why do I do this? Why do I run and train and sweat, and then write about it?

Reasons Why I Am Training For A Marathon

One main reason: because I CAN. And don't get me wrong, I'm not ignoring those who CAN'T. In fact, I think about them every day. I think about my cousin Becky, whose every day must be a marathon. I think about the Syrians I met last year, who spend their time figuring out how to rebuild their lives. I think about women everywhere who are too scared, too sick, too busy, too sad to go outside and play, and I've decided, after a lifetime of dedication to caring for and helping those less privileged than I, that I am gonna run to my heart's content, and hope that my happiness fills the world and makes it a better place. (Check this out if you really want to make a difference!)

Other reasons too:

because, weirdly, running teaches me about life. Training for a marathon actually shows me how better to live my life. How does that work? I have a goal these days, and that it to run 26 miles FAST. To get there, to succeed, I have to plan. I have to be determined, and dedicated, and disciplined. I have to sleep, eat, and drink right. I have to do my short runs and my long run every week, without fail, unless I'm injured or sick.

And how on earth do I do that?

With a cafe to run, a family to care for, a house to keep clean, and an online business to grow (so that I can start my nomad life in a few years, but more on that in a bit). Oh, and did I mention I'm hosting a Retreat this summer? So, yes, training for a marathon has allowed me to understand that there's one thing that makes the difference, given that the physical playing field remains the same (I am not sick, injured, or living in a dangerous place, or without food), and that is my attitude. The way I look at my life, or my training, or my family, husband, my cafe, my running buddies, even my dog, or my bank account ... the way I look at everything colours how I can perform. Not just at a race, but behind the counter at my cafe, on the phone with a student, hanging out on the couch with my husband.

Zen of Running?

What is this magical way, then, Yoda? It is the way of the run: to take one step after the first, and then the next and the next. To be fully conscious of the steps, of the way your body moves, how it fits into the space around it. Is my body tall and light? Am I crouching down? What is hurting? How can I fix it? Where is my breath? I need to breath slowly and surely ... in ... out ... in ... step ... step ... step ...

This weird and frivolous hobby has taught me that to be in the moment and to love what you are doing when you're in it, is the key to happiness.

Other reasons why I am Training for a Marathon: I love how my legs are getting bigger and bigger.

Secret Club

Also, I have discovered a secret club that I am now a member of. It's the club of other people like me who love to run. We love to play, and speed our bodies around town or country. It's a club where, even though I'm 61, and I don't wear Lululemon, and I don't go that fast ... when I pass a runner in Montreal, Toronto, Lisbon, Italy .... Greece ... we give each other the secret nod and let each other know we know. It's a club where I can chat about long run nutrition for at least a half hour to someone I've never met.

And don't forget the bling! When I'm running a race, people I don't know high-five me. "You got this! Oui, Madame!" At the end, I get my lovely medal, and feel great, and that sense of accomplishment fills my heart. I know I've done something. Nothing too controversial, or too demanding, like getting involved with refugee politics, or being a midwife, or trying to change the world. Just a race, one step at a time, one breath at a time, one smile at a time.

Marathon Training Update, Day 14 of 102!

I've got through over 15% of my marathon training, and how do I feel? Honestly, I wish I felt how she looks ... but I don't and here's why:

I am following a program that is for "Beginners" - that means I don't (yet) run 30-40 k a week, but I can easily run 5-7 k. I've run three half-marathons so far (that's 21 k) so I'm definitely good to go. The program asks for four sessions a week, mostly running with an occasional bout of cross training. Check it out here. I like it so far. I like the way it is building up slowly and it also gives me three rest days a week, which makes things easier to handle in terms of bigger-picture time management.

Time management is a huge deal if you're thinking of running a marathon. Right now, in the early days, I only take a half an hour to complete my runs, but as the training gets more intense it will ask more from me. I have to be disciplined and still keep on top of everything else in my life: my cafe, my family, taking care of myself, writing, teaching doula classes. The list goes on.

On Day 7, I did my second "long run". It was a three mile run (I did 5 k) and I was really happy with my speed! It was cold and icy out so I thought I was going slowly. I wasn't checking my pace during the run, and I was pleasantly surprised when I got home. I figured the training plan was really working! The gradual increase in distance and time spent on the runs; my faster pace even with extra caution because of the icy patches ... my only problem was a very cold butt (by the way, ladies, did you know that this is a common problem for us, because of our nicely shaped bums?) See here for some tips.

Women's merino boxers

What to do? Warm merino underwear, then your winter running pants? These ones here are 85% merino.
Running pants with warmer shorts on top? Warm leggings with a winter running skirt or shorts? When I wear leggings under my pants my knees get cold, so I cut a pair of leggings at the knee. But then everything felt too tight around my waist. Ideally? I would love to find a legging/skirt combo made for women runners. Anyone?

Cold bum aside, by Day 9 I was feeling a little grumpy. My fartlek on Day 10 I did with my faithful four-legged running buddy but even she didn't cheer me up. My pace was mediocre.

Best running buddy ever!

Day 11 was hard. I was supposed to do an easy 5 k and my day went sideways before I knew it and I, well, long story short, I didn’t run. I ended up on the couch, late, reading and drinking tea while my family slept. I told myself I would run Saturday night. Saturday is my rest day, and I take full advantage of it. I sleep late, eat well, drink lots of water, and do whatever I want – which is usually to catch up on my reading. (Friend me on Goodreads!)

 

I went out Saturday night and did my 5 k. I’m not a huge fan of running after dark. Safety issues bug me. Visibility is super important after dark. I’ve been wearing a jacket with some reflective stripes, and carrying a little flashing bicycle lamp, but I’m buying a reflective vest. If it’s icy, the slippery patches are less visible when it’s dark, so make sure you wear proper gear or know where the ice is. I always imagine the crazy stalkers come out after dark, so I get scared and run like I’m being followed, which isn’t great for my form. And super paranoid, since it’s only six pm. If you’re paranoid like me, stay on busier streets and make sure you only wear one earphone if you’re listening to music.

 

Sunday is my Long Run day. There’s a little bit of controversy over the long run, some say it’s only beneficial mentally and not physically. I believe it is the most important run of my week, and Strength Running concurs. In any race training plan, you will do usually one long run per week up to a few weeks before the race, then you will start to taper down the distance in order to be at optimum fitness for your race. Since I just started my plan, it calls for a starter long run of three miles at the end of the second week, and increase up to a maximum of 20 miles at week 22. Day 12 was supposed to be my 4 miler (6.4 k).

 

Sunday, my plan was to arrive at my café at 8am, cook and serve brunch, and get home by 4:30 so I could get out the door and do my 7k by the time it got dark. Ha! By 2pm I felt SICK. Burning pains up and down my spine, a crazy itching spot on my shoulder, crying spells that luckily didn’t show up while I was serving customers, and an extreme fatigue. I felt like I was gonna die. I tweeted @JasonFitz1 – he is super available for any running questions (even though he is running a business, is a runner himself, and has a newborn!) about running when you are feeling sick and he basically told me what I already knew. If it’s above the neck, you’re usually good to go: headache, mild sore throat without a fever, head cold, hangover, broken heart. If it’s below your neck – gastro, bladder, chest and cough – then you should probably stay home.

 

Well I felt like I should run, and probably could run but I was so tired I wanted to cry! My husband came to get me and took me to my favourite spot: the library!

 

Bibliotheque Nationale du Quebec

I love this place! I spent some time here and got some books out, and then I went home and collapsed onto the couch. My family prepared steaks and I ate, then I crashed back onto the couch with a book…

 

Man did I feel guilty! You can’t miss your long run, just because you’re feeling sick! How are you going to run a marathon if you can’t even do a simple 7 k? You’re a loser! Insults aside, exercise guilt is a thing. Read about it here. Guilt is not good for you, in any way. It provides your body with enough stress hormones to cancel out all the good stuff you have achieved with your running. Guilt can affect your cardiovascular, endocrinological, digestive and inflammatory processes in your lovely bod. So don’t go there! Healthy Chicks agree.

 

What you can do, however, if you’re skipping a run, instead of feeling guilty and sorry for yourself, is visualize that you are actually on a nice easy long run. This technique affects your muscles and can stimulate them – not as much as a real run would do, of course, but to a small extent, and anyway daydreaming about running is way more pleasurable than beating yourself up about not running.

 

Did I do that? No, I felt guilty, I went to work, and I cried when I got home, because I was so tired and such a loser. So? What happened? Why did I crash so bad only there weeks in to my 26 week training plan?

 

1. I put way too much on my plate. If you’re training for a marathon, something’s gotta give. Don’t take on extra projects, or you will find yourself like the Cat in the Hat with too many spinning balls.

 

2. I took myself way too seriously. Hey! It’s okay to miss a run. You’re not an Olympic star, or an elite (if you are thank you for reading this, very kind of you).

 

3. Guilt, stress, and shame took a great big bite out of my discipline and self-confidence. Let me explain. Back on Day 9, I wasn’t feeling great and I went for a run in the cold. I was chilled, and I didn’t listen to my body. I kept going – went for a twenty-minute fartlek the day after with Stella, my trusty dog. Cold again. That set off an inflammatory process, which I added to by being stressed about my progress, and I ended up with a serious Sacral Herpes outbreak. Chafing from my thrown-together winter gear; cold all around the lower sacrum; stress; ignoring initial symptoms meant that I had a full-fledged outbreak, with flu-ish symptoms, emotional backlash, terrible pain all over my lower back and shoulders.

 

But did I stop going to work? Did I tell everyone I was sick? No, I told them I was fighting “the cold that’s going around”. Why? Because herpes is bad, man. It’s got a stigma. HIV, Hepatitis, and Herpes all have a history, and they all have a stigma that makes people ashamed and guilty. The rate of infection for HSV-2 in Canada and the US is around 15%, according to the CDC in the US. If 15 per cent of all us runners are dealing with this incurable disease that can be triggered by stress, sunshine and inflammatory process, then we runners had better start talking about it!

 

Running buddies

 

Here are some tips for dealing with a herpes outbreak if you are a runner:

 

1. First of all, how can you prevent outbreaks? Your doctor can prescribe valacyclovir (or acyclovir). This is a drug that suppresses symptoms, it does not kill the virus. Around 1% of the population feel side effects to this drug, or choose not to take it for other reasons. Some people choose to take it only when they feel the “pre-symptoms” or “prodromal” symptoms such as tingling or sensitivity. Another common remedy (and the jury is out as to which is more effective) is taking L-lysine daily. This is also a powerful treatment that works to suppress symptoms and reduces outbreaks. You have to take 1000 mg per day, and it can also cause side effects.

 

2. Stress is a huge component in Herpes outbreaks, and you have to learn how to reduce the effects of stress in your life, or you will be plagued with repeat outbreaks which will further stress you out! Don’t try to reduce stress in your life – life is stressful and you can’t live in bubble wrap. But learn how to control and manage your body’s reaction to stress. Meditate, breathe, rationalize, get exercise; do whatever it takes to keep stress from creeping into your body. Stress and worry also affects your body’s ability to bounce back, whether from illness, injury, or emotional hard times. Have a look at theis helpful article from Runner’s World.

 

3. There are other triggers that can make your body ripe for an outbreak, and these are different for everyone. The main ones are: sunshine, inflammation, some foods. Obviously as runners we are outside a lot. Wear your sunscreen! Get a brand that actually works to keep your face protected through sweating.

As far as inflammatory events, that’s a tough one to avoid as a runner. If you have any chafing anywhere, or you are nursing an injury, take extra good care of yourself as that injury may precipitate an outbreak. If you are taking L-Lysine, perhaps increase your intake a little during the days you are nursing your injury. The virus actually lives at the base of the spine, so any chafing at the tops of the thighs or around your underwear line will go directly to the little bastards and start them planning their revenge.

As a runner, you are already super conscious of your nutrition. More to think about: The herpes virus seems to be affected by the balance of L-Lysine and Arginine in your body. What does this mean? These are both amino acids, which are the building blocks of protein. L-Lysine is an essential amino acid, which means that your body cannot create it, but your body can produce arginine. Both these amino acids are necessary for optimum functioning, but it is suggested that L-Lysine actually inhibits the reproductive capacity of the herpes virus, whereas arginine stimulates it. However, it is not a great idea to either reduce or increase either of these amino acids drastically; they are both necessary for a healthy metabolism. Personally, I avoid foods (or supplements – check your protein powder!)  with high arginine content, and I take 1000 g of L-Lysine every day.

 

4. Know what your pre-outbreak symptoms are and act on them immediately. Some common prodromal symptoms are: extreme fatigue – the kind where you feel like crying because you have to make dinner; a tingling or achy feeling where you usually have your outbreaks (oral, genital, or on your buttocks, lower back or, more rarely, elsewhere); a flu-ish feeling – generalized achiness, feverish, maybe a sore throat or a headache. What to do if you feel like you have an outbreak coming on? Skip your run! You can do some gentle yoga, or just lie down and watch The Barkley, or read a running book (my Goodreads list). Take your meds (whether its Valtrex or L-Lysine)! Try to rest, and eat well!

 

You are a runner for your own reasons. Many of us just love the feeling of moving our bodies through space, whether we are in a crowded urban area, a leafy suburb, a desert or a leafy trail, or a snowridden landscape.

 

#winterrunning #marathontraining Day 17

 

We runners love the isolation of running alone, and we love the camaraderie of running with a group. We are competitive, if not against others, then at the very least against ourselves. We are grateful for our health and do our very best to maintain it. But some of us (maybe one in seven) must be extra careful, and we have to work just that little bit harder to stay healthy, by knowing when to stop and when to play hard.

 

Half Marathon 2:3, so hot!

 

 

Happy running! Stay healthy!

 

ps. I am now on Day 17 and totally back on track. Except it suddenly got to be winter here and I need those merino boxers!!