The first official running race I participated in was this one: a half marathon (21 kilometers), when I had just turned 59. I loved everything about it! The camaraderie; the cups of water; the corny posters; the feeling that I couldn't do it and then I did!
I still love running races. I've done a bunch of them since then. The first in-person one I did since the beginning of Covid was last October. My smile lasted about two kilometers, when I lost myself in the joy of hearing all those other runners' feet pitter-pattering in front, beside and behind me. Then my self caught up with me and I spent the next two hours or so agonizing about my life and all the things that were going wrong and have gone wrong in the past.
Am I an impostor? Was the main question I kept asking myself. The jury is still out on that one. Because here's the thing: as soon as I say I'm anything, especially these days as the social media is ready to pick up and amplify any little piece of horse shit that escapes my mouth, as soon as I say I'm a midwife or a caring person or whatever, a witch and the like, then .... then I am that. And I necessarily have to be the BEST at whatever it is I've said I am.
And if I'm not the best, then I'm an impostor.
We live in an age of experts.
Experts, apparently, study stuff. They know about stuff and they can tell other people how to do things. But there are so many, many experts out there it's hard to know who to believe. So a regular person just finds the expert they agree with and build a game plan from there. But that leads to some difficulties: first of all, you can't just pick any expert. Some people do actually know more than others about any given subject. As a lay-trained midwife, I know that I don't have as much technical knowledge as an OBGYN... so I shouldn't represent myself in opposition to them. But I do, or rather, we do ... we seem to be living in an age when we are all projecting images of ourselves that are larger than life, and better than the puny reality.
The second difficulty with finding an expert to guide you on your way is the problem of responsibility. If you're following an expert's advice and things go sideways, who are you going to blame? Yourself? I don't think so. If you've already decided that you need an expert to help you do whatever it is that you want to do, then you've already given them some degree of responsibility.
So, if we do away with experts? Well, no one is going to do brain surgery on themselves I hope. But maybe we could tweak the idea a little bit. Maybe we could add some humility to the picture. Perhaps we could reduce our need for experts, trust ourselves a little more, and remember that living life isn't actually like running a race. No one really wins: it isn't really about the survival of the fittest.
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