Years ago, over twenty to be exact, I started teaching a doula course with another powerful woman who I grew to love and respect. Unfortunately, our relationship ended with some rancour and bitterness, on my part at least, and we went our separate ways. She became very ill and survived Stage Four cervical cancer, and she is still a teacher, a powerful woman, and so much more.

On February 8, 2024, a young student/friend/mentee to whom I had become very attached finally chose to end her life after a struggle with mental illness. It was a tragic blow for everyone around her, and it hit us all that we don’t have much time to live, and what time we have we should make use of. 

Her death was the catalyst that brought my estranged friend and I back together: obviously we are both older and one hopes wiser, and over the years we’ve learned  to live a little more gently with ourselves. She is indeed a Wise Woman. But part of her wisdom, part of her courage and her fortitude are precisely the things that could (and didn’t, because of a combination of luck, love, and inner strength) have brought her down. The world is a better place with her on this side of the grass, and she is willing to embrace that.

Part of her power is precisely her recovery from her illness. Of course, part of it is God-given and part of it is sheer grit. But how can we imagine that a person we admire for their strength and inner peace and ability to love got that way by being perfect from birth? No, in fact, the women that become strong, powerful, loving, wise, become that way through and because of hardships, scars, disappointments. 

One of the women I work alongside completed a Birth Attendant training and she now attends mothers during their childbearing seasons. When she was a recent graduate of the course, she asked a practicing Birth Attendant if she thought it was ok if she’d never had a natural birth. In fact she’d only given birth by c-section and had never experienced a normal birth as a birthing mother. The Birth Attendant told her absolutely not, that she has to now experience a VBAC at home for her to have the validity she needs to accompany women.

Our culture has a weird relationship to scarring. We love the people who have “been through it”: the recovered addicts; the survivors of childhood trauma who speak out; the #metoo women; the women who had traumatic births and unnecessary c-sections who recount their transcendent VBAC or freebirth. But there are just as many people who haven’t gone through to that other triumphant side. The secret substance abusers; the private trauma sufferers; the women who were raped and never said anything; the birth trauma victims who never have that transcendent next birth. 

Life is messy and often the world doesn’t care. I believe that my scars and setbacks have turned me into a wiser woman: one who is able to be truly compassionate when I’m accompanying a mother who is making difficult choices. I can say “Who am I? She is the only one who can make this decision. It’s her life.”, and I can truly mean it. I’ve made difficult or complicated decisions that seemed wrong at the time, and even seemed wrong and were painful for years. And the repercussions of my suffering have seemed in some way to have canceled out other people’s suffering.

For example, I had a very traumatic and abusive c-section. I suffered and felt guilty for years. It affected my soul, if I can say that out loud. It affected my relationships with my children and especially the child in question. But because of that terrible experience, I threw myself into attending births in the hospital where I prevented many unnecessary c-sections and gave women that feeling that they were not alone. I couldn’t have done that without having been brought so low myself. 

If you are drawn to attend birth, and you’ve had a less-than optimum experience yourself, I am here to tell you that you are amazing!

If you are drawn to attending birth, and your birth experiences were transforming and powerful, I am here to tell you that you are amazing!

If you are drawn to attending women in their childbearing seasons, in whatever capacity and with whatever experiences you have as a woman, I would love to invite you to be part of our 2025 Birth Attendant course. 

And if you’re not drawn to birth, and you have scars, and you never got transformed and you never transcended … don’t worry! Feel your power! Jump from misadventure to misadventure! Keep a smile on your face and love in your heart and remember, you are wise!

Birth and Scars

As we grow, we absorb big and small shocks to our bodies and souls. We all know where our physical scars are, and we often assign stories to them. I remember when I was skipping school and the knife chose that day to slice my finger, so I had to get myself stitched up without (I dreamed) my mother finding out. I have a little white line on my finger that tells that story.

Some women have bigger scars, on their skin and their muscles, from birthing their babies. I hear these stories often when I am speaking to women about their birth experiences.

Other women have emotional scars that last for years. These scars have a way of aching and burning during pregnancy and birth. The doula can gently assist the woman when she is feeling these aches and pains. Doulas are not therapists so they do not have to probe, suggest, or hypnotize. What they do is provide a non-judgmental ear, if the woman wants to talk. They let her know that she is not alone, that she has support. They also remind her that there are other women who have traveled the same road and survived.

One of my students is accompanying a woman as I write. The woman has been in labor for most of last night and today. She does have emotional scars, and they are hurting. My student has been with her the whole time, supporting and comforting. And even though my student is a very inexperienced doula, she is still providing the essence of what a birthing woman needs. The expertise, medical know-how and scientific facts is not the realm of the doula. She is there with other skills: the skill of touch, listening, compassion, and presence.

With our world changing every day; with our experiences and our innate wisdom challenged every single day; with our routines and habits changing minute to minute, we are starting to see between the lines of our lives. We are starting to look between the cracks; to probe between the layers of darkness that we have been hiding behind. We, as women, are starting to see what has been hidden: that birth is a unique act, unique to women; that women's bodies are exquisitely designed for this task; that a woman births best when she is surrounded by a loving circle of care.

It is wonderful if that circle of care can include someone, an elder perhaps. who know about the vagaries of Mother Nature and her cruel jokes. But if not, chances are that everything will work out fine. And that is better than being treated like a child, when you are bringing forth new life.

So I see women and their partners and their communities going about their lives, far from hospitals and Covid regulations. And it makes me sad that with this huge machinery of health care that we as a society couldn't have created a safe and sacred space for women to birth in; but I understand why that isn't possible. Can you imagine what would happen if the power of womanhood was actually unleashed? 

Think about the biggest wave you've ever seen. Think about the most love you've ever felt. And the most beautiful place you've ever been. Imagine what it would be like if women grew babies in their wombs and birthed them with respect, honour, and love. 

Scars have a way of healing. With healing comes change, and growth. Womanhood has been injured and scarred for too long. There's a new era coming, so watch out!

Old Scars

The cesarean section epidemic has been growing in intensity and numbers since the 1970's, in most of the western world, and increasingly in China, India, and South America.

It is a given in most conservative medical circles that the scarred uterus is more fragile during subsequent pregnancies and may rupture during labor. While I do not believe a healthy, though scarred, uterus will rupture without provocation, I have witnessed severe psychological and emotional scars from unnecessary surgery. The World Health Organization suggested in 1985 that a 15% cesarean rate would be optimal. I believe that in countries where mothers and babies and generally healthy (this may exclude the U.S. because of high obesity rates), an optimum emergency c-section rate would be under 5%.

All sorts of shocks and aftershocks have been linked to cesarean sections. Failure to bond, failure to thrive, autism, asthma, breastfeeding problems, PTSD, ADHD, you name it, unnecessary surgery has been implicated.

But what about the effects on a woman as a woman? What about the women who have been having this surgery over the past thirty years? The young ones may mistakenly believe that it is easier on the body for the baby to be extracted surgically; that the low transverse scar just above the pubic bone will heal and remain an almost-invisible thin white line; that urinary and fecal incontinence will be miraculously avoided; that their vaginal muscles will be tight and virginal forever. The middle-aged ones, the menopausal ones, the ladies who have had possibly multiple cesareans, based on the old "once a cesarean, always a cesarean" dictate of the 70's and 80's; these women represent the tip of the cesarean iceberg and their numbers are growing as this rate increases.

Much has been said, especially by men, about the effects of menopause on a woman's emotional state. The old stale jokes abound. But the fact is, that many women start to feel anxious and disoriented about their new status as non-reproductive beings.

I didn't. I have five sons and I am very happy about my contribution to the ongoing human race but I was content to let menstruation go. I do feel ambivalence about growing older - after all, who wants to die? As we age, we do march slowly but surely towards the next big chapter.

So, with the loss of our reproductive capabilities, as we get used to our bodies and ourselves during this phase of life, it is difficult to have to watch the little white bikini line grow into a larger, lumpier line where no matter how many times we march off to the gym, the pleasant softness of middle age insists on bulging unpleasantly underneath and over the top, as if a tight elastic were stretched just above the pubic bone. And it hurts - it still hurts - even after twenty, thirty and forty years.