COVID19 in-house Day 28: Risky Behaviour

When life hits you sideways with a truck, you get back on your feet as well as you can, make the best of it, or you die. I'm here to tell the story, didn't die yet, and I'm thinking about clever advice I could hand out on the social media.

So I'll tell you this: trauma breeds trauma. 

We're all born into it. Catecholamines are produced, along with cortisol, in both the fetus (and the newborn) and the mother before, during, and after childbirth. These hormones, known popularly as "stress hormones", allow the newborn's body to adjust to the rigors of life on earth. This happens metabolically, whether the baby is born in water, in air, or on a surgical table. Actually, catecholamine levels are higher in babies born vaginally, because those babies are born "physiologically" and have a physiologic reaction to being born, which helps them breathe.

Birth is risky. That doesn't mean we should rush to the hospital and get fixed up with intravenous pipelines if we are giving birth. But it IS risky, for mother and child. Life is too. In fact, the older you get, the higher your chance is that you will die sooner. Of course, parents are usually around to protect the young ones from behaviours or events that are too risky, but they can't be around all the time, and sometimes they just aren't.

I've lived a pretty risky and interesting life, in all sorts of ways, and miraculously I've survived, like that old Timex watch from television commercials a lifetime ago. I must have at least nine lives (there was that time when we were crossing the railway bridge, and the guy with the shotgun... then the year I travelled through Africa solo, oh, and the drug mule thingy...), and I don't know which life I'm on now, but some of my more scary moments are tending to pop up in front of me these days, and I kind of want to wear bubble wrap (but you can't run in bubble wrap!).

In these surreal days, we are faced with mortality: our own, our friends' and loved ones', random strangers'. We are trying to #staysafe. Trying to #stayhealthy. We are told to #stayhome. We are talking about numbers, risks, science, masks, ventilators, viruses, pneumonia, sickness, plagues. We are blaming: the Chinese, Bill Gates, the Jews, Trump, the government. We are all doing our best.

And we're worrying. And as we worry, our stuff is going to rise to the surface. When we are robbed of our busyness and our schedules, we have time for our demons to rise up and confound us. Some of us have tame demons, some of us don't.

My demons decided to haunt me this week, and the only way I could put them at rest was to keep on running. And I don't mean that metaphorically. I started a run streak on December 31, 2019. I run at least a mile a day: so far in 2020 I've run over 400 k. 

When I run, I can feel my body working. I know that I'm alive, I'm good, I'm okay. My lungs are strong because of the mountain air I used to breathe when I wandered in the Rockies. My frame is strong: farm work and five babies helped with that. And thankfully, when I'm running, my mind goes into low power mode and my imagination stops streaming, and my spidery thoughts relax and spin pretty webs.

I'm not suggesting y'all go out and start running - far from it! In fact, I wish y'all would stay home like you used to, so that I can have the sidewalks to myself again. I'm just letting you know - those of you who can't understand why ghosts from the past are haunting you, or why old angers or sadnesses are reliving themselves in your mind, or why you might feel like crying for no reason - I'm letting you know that you are not alone. 

And if you see an old lady with a gnarly look zooming down the road, or down the trail, stay away - she's chasing demons!

COVID19 in-house Day 14: Tilt

A friend called me today. Her husband ripped the island out of the kitchen floor and threw it at her. Another friend last week was worried about the revolution, the final solution, and the birds. Yet another is working ten hours a week in a busy grocery story because she is worried she will lose her job if she stays home.

I love my friends and worry about them. And my heart is with the people who literally have no where to go, let alone anywhere to wash their hands, and with the women and children who are living with abusers, and with those of us whose reality is too hard to bear.

We are all suffering, but in very different ways. I live in Canada, where our government is acting effectively and compassionately to help the people. We are cooped inside, but our house is large, warm, and we have food. I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have good internet: I can talk to my family, friends and the other people I care about. But still, but still. My world, and your world, has been turned upside down. My cafe is closed, my races are cancelled, my projects are kaput, and ... yes, I'm scared and anxious a lot of the time.

Here are some suggestions for coping with our collective distress. If you are living with someone violent, or you are feeling very sick, or you're in an extreme situation, then you have my love and all my sympathy. These suggestions are for us pansies who are living on the edge, some of us for the first time in our lives. And just to make it very clear, those of you who have informed me that this pandemic is a manmade plot, propaganda, or a message from God, this advice probably isn't for you.

Admit it. You're scared. What can you actively do to make it feel better?

• reduce the scary input. You don't need to read the stories online or on the social media. Assign one person in your household to read and report the important news. Important means that it has an actual effect on your life. If you are the only person in your household, then pick one reliable news source to give you the relevant news and stay away from the rest. Your government health ministry, Harvard, and the WHO are the best sources of real news.
• do your social media apps nourish you or frustrate you? I decided two days ago to ignore Facebook and Twitter, and to keep posting on Instagram. Posts on Facebook were leading me either to anger or despair, and the funny one-liners and friendly posts didn't balance it out. My friends can always find me on all three of the text messaging apps I have, or they can actually call me on any of the four phone apps I have, or send an email. Twitter is even more dangerous for me because my bs-ometer was malfunctioning so I was telling a lot of people they were fuckwits. They might be but it was not my best version.
• practice gratitude. Yes. Just practice being grateful for what you have. It's that easy.

So how can I connect if I'm off Facebook and Twitter, and I don't have my work or my friends or colleagues to hang out with?

• call your people! You can talk on the phone! That's what we did before the internet. 
• make a list of people you care about. Send them a message and find out how they're doing.
• find a virtual something to do, and do it. There are free classes, races, groups, activities, all out there in the virtual world. Get involved!
• if you are talented at something, consider sharing it online. Get creative!

What to do when the inevitable melt-down happens? We have been in house for two weeks now. There are five of us, ranging in age from 18 to 63. Three of us have online school, one teaching, two learning. Two of us have no work. We have had about five meltdowns that I know of so far. My nephew is not used to living in a large loud family that drinks a lot and yells. He's had some adjusting. My two sons are both having to live without seeing their partners. I'm used to being in boy land but sometimes I like to have a woman to hang out with (not the dog). Even thought she is very cute and a great companion, especially these days.

We also have an incontinent, deaf and blind twenty-year old chihuahua and a fish. 

Meltdown suggestions:

• try to avoid them. Don't let stuff get bottled up and ready to explode. Person pick his nose at the table? Tell him nicely not to touch his FUCKING FACE. Seriously, though, we decided that when things feel odd it's probably a good time to have a meeting. We decided that choices about health and safety need to be talked through until a unanimous agreement was reached. This gives everyone the chance to have some control over their life, at least in the limited environments we are living in.
• try to schedule times when each person can be alone and silent. Even if it means that you head to the bathroom with your phone for an hour, alone time has to be respected. Everyone is dealing with their fear.
• if someone seems odd, ask them about it.

If you live alone and you feel like screaming, scream. 

• take a shower or a bath. If you can go out, take a walk or a run. 
• write it down. Call someone. 
• if there's no one, and you can't think of anything to do, then don't do anything. Just lie down and stare at the ceiling. You may want to cry. That's ok. If you were drinking or smoking weed before the quarantine, allow yourself to have a drink or whatever. If you're sober, STAY SOBER! Find a virtual group and stick with it - it could save your life and will certainly save your sense of self-worth.

Meltdown with kids:

For some of us, this is the first time you have actually been in-house for hours and days at a time with your kids. It can be tough, especially when the kids are used to going to school every day. Meltdowns will happen. Older kids may decide they absolutely need to go outside to see their friends. Younger kids will have their regular old meltdowns. Just remember, go easy on them. Home school doesn't have to imitate school. You don't have to achieve at educating your kids at this time. Take the time to be with them, and ease off on expectations. At our house, even though we are all adults, we have fuck-off hour when everyone fucks off and does stuff on their own. Kids can do that too. And getting bored? Part of life! 

Are you, the adult, melting down? Get the older kids to watch the younger ones, or if they're all too small to take care of themselves, put them somewhere safe for a minute and have your meltdown. You'll be fine. You'll survive. You can do hard things. 

Think about it, though, and maybe go deeper into your meltdown and try to discover what stage of grieving you are at.

denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

These are the five stages of grief. Most people who experiences a loss will go through these emotional stages, at different speeds and at different intensities. I was in denial when the pandemic first started. Although as a health care worker I knew that we had to be more careful, I didn't look with open eyes at how bad it actually was. Then when I realized, I acted quickly and became angry. Irritated. I was angry at everyone, pretty much. I felt betrayed and let down. I've just reached the bargaining stage, I think. I've cleaned up a bunch of things in my life, stopped complaining, got rid of the social media, stopped being angry .... and do I want to prize in return? Like life back to normal? Probably.

Practical suggestions: take control of the small things

• if you normally get up at a certain time, try getting up at the same time to keep the rhythm 
• don't stay in your jammies all day unless it makes you feel good. Wear what makes you happy! If you normally wear makeup and jewelry, go for it! And your hair? Well, yeah. I don't know. I look like a racoon right now. Brows ... DIY ... 😐
• if you're stuck at home and you can't do your actual work because its one-on-one, think up something to do that uses those skills. Here's project that a Toronto photographer thought up: Windows. She did all of this from her tiny rural home.
• keep fit! You don't have to run a marathon on your balcony, but you do have to get some exercise. If you're taking care of kids, you will probably keep pretty active. If not, make sure you take some time to move: dance, walk around, find an exercise video online and get moving! 
• if you're ordering in your groceries, make a menu before you order so that you can make different dishes each day. If you don't know how to cook, now's the time to learn! If a dish looks too complicated to make, it probably is. Find an online cooking blog that suits your taste and your level of skill.
• make a schedule for yourself, make a list, make some goals. Is there something you always wanted to do? Something modest, that you can do at home ... sewing, that knitting project you started, singing, writing ... gaming, coding...

The bottom line

I realized something the other day that stopped me in my tracks. I was angry. I was irritated with everyone around me and everyone I was meeting online. I was upset with my kids. I was also pretty annoyed at myself, basically, I thought I was a useless sack of shit.

And then I thought: yes, you could have it. Your throat scratchy? You have a light cough? Maybe. Yes, I could have it. You could have it. Any one of us could have it. Any of us could die at any time, and that is more real than ever before, for the huge majority of us. 

So do I want to live what could be my last days in a cloud of anger and irritability, like a crabby old bitch in her rocking chair? Or do I want to enjoy my life, all of it, right up until the very end?

It's up to you.

COVID19 in-house Day 8: What is Normal?

Well it's been a week. Does it feel normal yet? Not at all! Our family is still spread around the globe, and although we talk most days - and way more often than when we are not going through a global fucking pandemic, and although we have a hilarious family "spicy meme" group, I still worry about my five chickadees and their partners. I leave the house to chase my shadow for a few k and that always puts things in a better perspective! Here are my thoughts from these days...

This week's challenges: realizing that we have to close the cafe for longer than we anticipated. Way longer. And although we have been given a green light by the government to provide take-away, I don't yet feel comfortable sourcing food, cooking and delivering it until we are sure that contagion is over. I worked for twenty years in health care, and I always approached every single one of the women I worked with "as if" they were infected with a blood-borne disease. Because that's the way you have to do it, because if not you're targeting groups who you've decided will be more likely to be carriers. That's how personal protection in the health sector works. So ... I have to know that I could be carrying it or ... anyway you get the picture.

... realizing that my retreats this summer in Italy are not going to happen. That is hard: two losses: fun and financial.

... living at home in our house with two sons, a husband and a nephew has its ups and downs. Ups? Everyone pitches in, lots of cooking, games every evening, company, also the house is large so everyone can indulge in "fuck-off hour" and find a private space. We have a yard. We have lots of food, booze, and books. Downs? Well, everyone needs to have a melt-down every once in a while and that happens. Luckily we all haven't had one at the same time.

... looking at the government sponsored financial assistance for small business owners like me and realizing there's not a lot happening. If I have a big company I can get a loan. If I've been laid off I can get benefits... I'm stuck in the middle...

This week's joys: talking to my three sons who live far away (nowadays even Ontario seems far away - and he's the closest!).

... organizing a women's retreat with my daughter-in-law for sometime-in-the-near-future, and talking with her most days.

... practising my saxophone, when I have the inclination... I'm learning but I want it to be fun...I know I should practice every day but hey! I want to take it easy. It's a lovely, friendly instrument and I'm just starting to make friends with it. My family banded together and gave it to me at a surprise birthday party when it wasn't even my birthday.

... being able to continue my Runstreak 2020 ... I started running at least a mile a day on Dec 31, 2019 ... and I've kept it up Every. Single. Day.

I am grateful to be healthy and to live in a place where I can still go outside to run (otherwise I would have to do a marathon up and down my stairs since I don't have a balcony).

--- eating so much good food! My husband is a great cook, and the wizard chef moved in to stay with us for the duration so ... every dinnertime is a feast!

Lastnight we had a family meeting about how we are going to live together given the recent changes in rules and regulations... here in Quebec things have gotten real very quickly, the way it's happening everywhere, I'm guessing. Now, we have to stay home and we can't meet with more than one other person. If you're a group of more than two you are either performing an essential service or you're living in the same house. We've been asked to not go out to do anything unessential, no visits or visitors, no playdates, no dates.

So we sat together, the five of us: myself as the senior, husband, adult son, young adult son and young adult nephew, and we decided what was essential and what was not. Essential: pharmacy (essential meds), groceries, and going to the cafe to pick up groceries from there. Non-essential: SAQ (booze), picking up a laptop from work, meeting a friend, having a friend over. The biggest deal was for my youngest son who can't see his girlfriend until this is all over.

Carefree summer days

We made the choice to follow the rules to the letter, and we hope that everyone does, so that we can minimize the spread and cut the pandemic as short as possible. It's still spreading. It needs hosts. Stay home! Connect online! Call your friends and family, don't visit. Here it is, clear and simple, from the Chief Public Health Officer of Canada

#Everybody - we must #PlanktheCurve for 🇨🇦!
➡️#SocialDistancing: keep 2 metres away from others; no visitors, no playdates
➡️#Washyourhands well & frequently
➡️Disinfect surfaces & high touch objects#COVID19 #StrongerTogether#FlattentheCurve

— Dr. Theresa Tam (@CPHO_Canada) March 23, 2020