50k?

50 k?

Why would anyone want to run fifty kilometres? And in the desert, no less. Well, me for one.

But why? I think there are many reasons, but the ones I can easily glean for now are these: Firstly, I am competitive. I like to do things others may not have done, or want to do. I like to prove to myself that I am better than last week’s version of myself. Secondly, I do actually love to run. I love how the world moves into focus and becomes clearer and further away at the same time. I love listening to my feet hit the ground; I love the feel of my breath, and the feeling of sweat dripping from everywhere. I love moving through space. Third, my body has disappointed me over the years. I have scars to prove that I wasn’t as strong as I could have been/ wanted to be/ should have been. So now I like to push that same body to chase limits it has never chased before.

This week, I decided I’m going to train for the Grandmaster Ultras that take place in February in Arizona. I looked at the videos of the trail and it looks reasonably terrifying: mile after mile of desert. Then why? Why wouldn’t I be content with my family, my profession (birth attendant), life in general. Does it have to be taken to extremes?

Yep.

First days of training: I’m hugely confident and excited and hugely doubtful and critical both at the same time. Not to jinx, but I really am just a kind of small 66 year old with delusions of grandeur. Small with more shapeliness than I ever had. I used to be more bony, which is good because who wants a bony Granny? And I know my grandson loves to cuddle.

The important thing for me is to stay on track, on a schedule. Today I did hill repeats, where you run up hard and down slower. This schedule idea is completely at odds with the way I lived my life for almost forty years, where my time was at the behest of babies, children, hens, and birthing women. I was on call 24/7 for about twenty years, and could never stick to a plan. But now I find that this task cries out for a plan and discipline keeping to it.

I’m doing strength training too, which is also new for me. I always kept fit carrying large bags of cement, 18 l jerry cans of water, children, bags of flour, stones (building), and all that. But I find the intensity and regularity of strength training is fun and calming.

Life can be so intensely disappointing. It never really works out the way you imagined it: not the little things all the way to the big ones. I’m watching our planet burn this summer and feeling sad. I read about factory farming in gruesome detail the other day in Jonathan Safran Foer’s book “Eating Animals” and I can’t eat them any more, even though when I’m training really hard I could literally take a bite from my dog’s haunch and chow it down. I organized a camping trip for a small group of women but then realized they were all young mothers bringing their kids. I felt like an outsider, and sad, and embarrassed.

But don’t imagine it’s just me labouring under disappointment: we all are. And don’t imagine that I am not also intensely grateful, thankful, and simply joyful to be on this planet with all of you. And that’s what it is: for me, the urge to run fifty kilometres in the desert on a weekend in February opens the possibility to split disappointment down the middle and replace it with joy, victory, satisfaction, and grace.