Bridges

Even if you're a doula, stuff happens unexpectedly and you cannot be available for your clients. When my father went into hospital six weeks ago I had to leave town to go and see him and help my mother. One of my clients gave birth while I was away, and of course she was well taken care of by my backup, but I was sorry I missed her birth.

Then last week I had to go again. I was definitely worried because I have three ladies due in the next couple of weeks. But luckily the babies were kind and no one missed my attendance at their birth. I did miss meeting up with a lady who is looking for a doula, but she found someone else and I know she will be in good hands.

When I went to visit my father a month ago, as soon as I walked into the hospital I felt like I was slipping on a comfy old sweater. I knew what to do. I helped my father with the little things, like rinsing out his mouth, putting an extra pillow under his head, making sure he could reach his iPod. I spoke with the medical staff about his care and helped translate some of the information for my mother so she wouldn't feel so frightened and anxious.

There was a lady in his ward who was having hallucinations because of a bad reaction to one of her medications. I spoke with her about the bug she saw in my father's ear, and the mice that were climbing up the wheelchair. I made everyone laugh when I threw one of my father's special drinks in the garbage can. He wasn't allowed liquids so he had been given a bright red "solid water", which I thought was like Jello. It wasn't. As it hit the bottom of the garbage can, it splashed up all over everything. That took everyone's mind off their pain, for a little while.

Another gentleman was having trouble getting his slipper back on. I went over and asked him if he wanted a hand. Only after I explained that I am often seen putting people's socks on, being thrown up on, and generally helping out, was he happy for me to lift his foot and put it into his slipper. He asked me if the women ever got mad when they were giving birth. I had noticed that he had been pretty frustrated with himself, his immobility and in turn with the nurses. I told him that I had seen several women get angry during labor, and often just breathing it out could help.

During the next few weeks, after I came back home, I found I was often back at the ward with my father. I spoke to his nurses and doctor on the phone, and I found myself getting frustrated. I knew that my frustration was because life is so unpredictable, but I felt myself being upset with the vagueness of their answers. I realized that I sounded like the first time mother when she is thinking that she will be pregnant forever.

My father was very sick during that time. The doctor told me later that she was surprised that he made it through. Finally last week they said he would be going home, so I went back out to help get everything ready. gain, when I went into the hospital I put my doula cap on. Of course, I was more emotionally connected than a regular doula would be, but I found myself tidying up around his bed, organizing the things on his table, making sure what he wanted was in reach, covering him with the fleecy from home.

My questions to the doctor were also familiar to the doula: what is going to happen? Will he survive? Can he stay home? What if...? What if...?
These are the questions a doula deals with all the time, not only from her clients, but from partners, and their mothers and fathers. We feel so vulnerable in the face of life's events. Each chapter comes as such a surprise. I didn't think I would live past 31 (when John Keats died). How could I now be taking care of my aging parents? How could my father have gotten sold so suddenly?
New parents feel the same way: "I can't believe I'm actually going to have a baby! How can I take the responsibility for someone else's life? Will everything be okay? Will I survive?"

The doula is there to answer questions, and to let the woman (or her partner) know that some questions are unanswerable, and that that's okay too. She may just be there to provide a shoulder and a box of Kleenex. She is the companion that we take with us when we have to cross a bridge, whether its a bridge into life or away from it. She accompanies those who are here, waiting for someone to come in or someone to leave. She is probably the most important person on the care-giving team. She accepts and assists, and she knows that some questions cannot be answered.

Friends

I was so grateful to a dear friend the other day who offered me an opportunity to try to put things right between us. I had been at fault and I made the opening moves, but she was gracious enough to accept them, conditionally.

When you are working in such an intense field as birth, it is so important to have friends around who understand what you are talking about when you need to discuss how you feel about a birth, or a woman you are working with.

One of the doulas I work with summed it up the other day: she had been present for a family who had a difficult and potentially traumatizing experience. Everything was fine in the end, but during the stress of difficult events, one of the family members took her anxiety out on the doula, who chose to receive it in silence and then process it elsewhere.

She did that successfully, but during the few days we spent talking about it, she told me how strange it was - she had gone out with friends, been with her family, lead her life normally amongst people, but she did not feel that she could discuss what was really bothering her until she spoke to another doula.


Community is so important. Please, reach out to someone you have experienced a break or a rift, or perhaps you have unjustly dealt with in the past. I promise you, we will all be better off for it, and the community itself as a living, breathing entity, will be healthier.

Dear Doula

Dear Doula,

You will need to be strong, because you will be accompanying women at any time of day or night. Sometimes you will have to leave your "private life" for what seems like days at a time.

You will need to be gentle, because sometimes you will be with a woman who needs the most gentle, loving touch of all.

You will need to be firm, because sometimes someone will want something that will not be the right thing, and you will have to be the one to say no.

You will need to be kind, because everyone will not always agree with you and you have to be able to step into their shoes.

You will need to be open, because everyone isn't you, and they all have different ideas, priorities, and make different decisions about their lives.

You will need to be respectful.

You will need to be honest.

You will need to be humble, and you will need to keep on learning.

Sometimes you may have to say you're sorry. Sometimes you may have to admit you were wrong. You cannot work from ego.

It's like being a mother, and just as hard and heartbreaking sometimes, and just as rewarding at others.


You need to know when its time to say goodbye.

Volunteer Birth Companions

I am very happy my book is selling - by the way, people, it would be a very nice Christmas or Hanukah gift for any of your close friends or relatives who are expecting a baby in 2012.

Please visit Amazon to review or "like" my book.

I want to tell you about the Montreal Birth Companions. This is a group of very special women who accompany underprivileged women  during their labor and birth experiences. Most of our doulas are just starting out, but some of them have been working with us for years. They are all volunteers, working out of their own pockets and from the goodness of their hearts to help other women have a joyous birth experience.

One of "my"doulas has been volunteering for months, doing her own research, studying,doing courses with different organizations and waiting for her time to accompany a woman in labor. Finally, yesterday, I got a call from a nurse to tell me that one of their patients who is alone here in Montreal was in labor and wanted a companion.

Our doula rushed to the hospital, where she witnessed a beautiful natural birth and was able to provide comfort and companionship to a birthing woman. She is hoping to be accepted to midwifery school this year, and I hope she gets in. She is a natural!

Buy the Book!

Support Canadian publishers!

Buy The Birth Conspiracy directly  from the publisher, at Curioso Books. You can also log onto Amazon and rate the book.

Launch Success

The Birth Conspiracy is now available for sale either through Amazon or directly from the publisher. 

Support independent Canadian publishers by buying directly from Curioso Books, then if you have a few minutes, please go to Amazon and rate my book....every star counts!

 

I would like to thank everyone who made it out to the book  launch. It was a lot of fun, and I felt honored to have all of you there. It was a different type of book launch - a real family event, with lots of babies and kids, pregnant women, and of course with my own family fully involved (well, some of them anyway).

Pastries by Giacomo

Meet and Greet

Making Friends

Lovely Mother and Babe

Book Launch Tomorrow

It's finally here. My book is written, illustrated, edited, proofed, and printed. It is ready to go, and tomorrow night we will be celebrating.
I hope all of you in Montreal will be able to come and celebrate with us. The launch will take place at 6767 Cote des Neiges, from 7 to 10 pm, and of course children and babies are welcome.

In the meantime, life goes on. I am waiting on a lady who is going to call me any minute now to accompany her during her labor and birth. I have another lady due in a week or so, and I am hoping that baby doesn't decide to arrive tomorrow night.

My mind and dreams are now full of my next book, so watch this space....

And I went to visit my father last week and did the doula in the geriatric ward where he was staying. The doula approach, how we utilize our skills, how we "do the doula", is the same whether we are attending a woman in labor, an old man in hospital, or a teenager having a meltdown. We wait, watch, listen, sympathize, fetch ice, carry water, sit still, put hands on, keep hands off, speak when spoken to, make eye contact.

A hearty thank you and much gratitude to all of those who have allowed me to be present at their births, and to all of the doulas out there who continue to do this challenging work.