Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Maskne? You're kidding me...

 I'm not even going to post a picture here because I'm so ashamed of how my face looks. Yes, it's that bad. And, yes, maskne is a real condition. If you're interested, the New York Times did an article on it so you can read up on it and try to prevent it. Basically, it's caused by the build-up of all that your facial pores don't need (bacteria, oil, sweat, dirt, possibly some fungi ... all that good stuff), which gets trapped on your skin because ... because you're wearing a mask. 

I wear a mask every day at my cafe. I leave my house around 8am, get the Metro with my mask on, and get to work, and my face is covered from then until I get back home. That's a long time to have a fabric covering over my face, and I'm paying for it now.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that this virus is real, and that vaccines work, and that wearing a mask works too. I worked in health care for long enough to know that in situations where you don't want bacteria or viruses to spread from your mouth, you wear a mask. So that's not an issue, whether I agree with the effectiveness of the damn thing.

No, my issue is that I have been struck bad with the Maskne, and I'm feeling like I'm 13 again.

  • I'm very self-conscious about my face. I like putting on a mask, or wearing concealer, so that no one will notice the awful rash around my nose and mouth.
  • I almost don't want to go out. I feel like people will talk about me.
  • Even worse, my self-consciousness has spread to other areas: I can't cook; I look stupid (my clothes are old and drab); I am too slow; my hearing loss bothers people; I'm not a good mother/granny/midwife..... the list goes on. Oh, and I'm fat. Ridiculous.
The only time I don't feel this way is when I'm out running, because honestly, who cares what you look like when you're having fun? People will notice my rashy face and what? They'll say "oh look at that 65 year old lady out for a run at 7:30 in the morning, what awful maskne she has". Yep.

 As we get older, there is more pressure to perform, not less. Because old people aren't valued simply because they have been on the planet for longer, and they've experienced more ... well, they've experienced more experiences, good and bad, beautiful and ugly.... so, because we aren't valued for that, there is a huge pressure to prove ourselves in many ways. The one who keeps on working; the one who runs the fastest and the farthest; the one who is the best grandma ever; the one who can afford to support his whole extended family ... you get the picture.

So, for me, this rash on my face has brought up all sorts of worries about whether I was true to myself, and I did what I was supposed to do, and was I good enough as a mother, a midwife, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister.... a citizen, an anarchist, a revolutionary, a witch ... 

It's funny what a few little zits can do to a gal's psyche!



Saturday, November 6, 2021

Friends


I've been going through some transformations recently, and I've been feeling a little like I did when I was 13 or so... wondering how to navigate the next chapter in my life, super annoyed with everyone and everything, but moved to tears by small beautiful things. 

I've tried to treat myself like one does a newborn, moving slowly and taking care. I've had some huge moral joltings in my life over the past few months, and I've been taking stock and realizing that our small moments with friends are one of life's most important pleasures.

There is something immensely comforting in the fact that I've kept in touch with one friend for 55 years, and two others for 50 years, and I know that I can call or write and we will be back to being ten, fifteen, or fifty. And I love the fact that even as I age, I'm still making new friends.

One thing 2020 taught me was that I am much more of an introvert than I thought. I'm happy to muddle through on my own, and I don't hanker after being sociable. I love to run long distances on my own, to think my thoughts. I love chatting with myself about all the questions and worries I have in my mind.

But of course, I'm not the best person to turn to when I want someone else to talk to, someone else's experience and wisdom to learn from, someone else to have fun with and compare notes on this weird journey we call life.

So here's an idea: if you read this (and I know there are a few of you who will), take a minute to call or send a message to a friend. It will make them happy!



Saturday, October 23, 2021

Finding Center

I lost my centre over the past few months and I'm not sure how. I've been feeling like a small boat in the middle of a big sea. The desires and defeats and dreams of others became my reality. I stepped up to a plate I don't really like.

Yesterday,  no it's last week now, I ran a half marathon, that's 13 miles. My phone had broken so I didn't have music to listen to, so I only had my own thoughts and the sounds of my feet, my breath, and other runners talking or the Canada Geese honking in the background. I thought about how I have gotten to where I am, and how my beliefs and convictions have changed and matured over time, but how they got mixed up and sidelined over the past year or so.

Women's reproductive health has always been very important to me. I've worked in the field of maternity care for over twenty years, mostly as a doula but also as a midwife. I am not registered to practice as a midwife here in Canada, so I've restricted my practice to other places and different ways of practicing. 

As the complications and controversies grew and thrived as we lived through a pandemic, I started to hear from women who did not want to go to the hospital to have their babies, and neither did they want to have their births attended by registered midwives. In their opinion, the restrictions put in place for birthing women and their families were oppressive and inhuman. So these women wanted to give birth on their own.

Most of the women who contacted me felt strongly that they did not want to wear a mask during labour; they did not want their partner or doula to be restricted; they do not believe that the Covid vaccine is necessary or valuable. The vaccine passport in Quebec is now required for a doula to accompany a woman to a hospital or birthing centre, and this is also part of the reasons why this group of women are seeking answers elsewhere.

My life has been devoted to a few things: my own family - my husband, my five sons, and their new families; my attempts to live a good life; and my desire to facilitate change for women, their children, and the world as a whole. For me, that desire became focused on working to find ways to make decent, safe, respectful, woman-centred health care available for every woman. 

So when women started calling me and wanting my assistance, advice, and companionship, I agreed that I would provide prenatal support - virtually - and I would accompany them along their decision-making paths to childbirth. You know what? That's insane, and reckless, and lacks consciousness, and that's why I believe that I somehow, somewhere, lost my center. The paradigm doesn't work. Because prenatal care is about touch, and attention, and the five senses, the sixth senses, and all the senses in between. Common sense, for one. 

If a woman wants to give birth on her own, for whatever reason, I actually support her in that choice. I don't like to tell people what to do, generally. But I also like to hold people accountable for their actions. And that means that if you're giving birth on your own, then you don't involve me. Why not? Let me explain: I've had many calls from women who want to give birth "outside of the system". And they want me to be a "fly on the wall." Why would they want that fly there? "In case anything goes wrong". Well, the fact is that, in fact, things DO go wrong during childbirth. And if you're giving birth on your own, you should recognize that and figure out what you're going to do in that situation. 

But it's not right to rely on the knowledge and experience of a fly, and it's not right for a doula to offer to be that fly. Because then when things do go wrong (which, yes, is very, very rare), then what's a fly supposed to do in an emergency? 



I'm taking time away from some things for the next little while, and I don't even know which things. I will be making some time for myself: time to think, to ponder, to meditate, to run, to declutter, to find peace, to find my center again.

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Birth and the Fourth Trimester


With all the fuss and bother these days about where women are going to give birth and what will happen to them when they get there, or if they stay home if they will have competent support, or if they're giving birth on their own if they've prepared enough spiritually to accept whatever may or may not unfold ... with all the conflict and controversy about who is vaccinated and who isn't, and what restrictions have  or haven't been put in place been put in place ... with the removal of the woman from the center of the birth experience and the forgetting of this vital fact ... most importantly, we have forgotten that after the pregnancy and birth, there is usually a baby! 

Many, many women find themselves at home after their baby has been born, without much idea of what to do, what they should do, or how to do it. Personally, I was lucky. I came home after fairly difficult experiences with my hospital births, and the breastfeeding went exceptionally well, and my maternal instincts led the way. But over the years, I've seen that my experience isn't common, and I'm moved now to do as much as I can to teach birth companions and doulas about how to provide care during those important hours, days and weeks after the baby is born.

I'm teaching a course on this important time that will be starting on October 26. That's a Tuesday, and we'll be meeting online every Tuesday evening from five to eight pm EDT for eight weeks. The course covers what we will usually see during these days and weeks; how we can use all six of our senses to care for a new family; we will explore elemental ways of nourishing; we will be taking a good look at the family, the motherbaby dyad, and the newborn mother to truly understand how best to increase pleasure and strength during this seminal time.

Breastfeeding is a big part of many women's experience, so we will learn about that. But it isn't everyone's, so we'll look at other options. We need to learn about how to do proper housewifery: cleaning, cooking, tidying, calming. We will be exploring some uses of herbs and food. I am hoping that the members of our class will bring their own talents to share with us.

Please let me know if you would like to join us!

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Home Can Be A Tower


I'm thinking a lot about home, and what home means to us. We moved our family to a medieval tower in 1988: it was the beginning of a long series of adventures, some cool and exciting, others devastating and dangerous. I pulled the Tower card this morning for my reading, which can mean change in a fundamental way. It can mean the destruction of one home and the creation of another. It can signal the breaking down of old habits and patterns to make way for new: an eruption, a revolution.

I work alongside women who are thinking deeply about how they want to give birth. Most of them want to birth at home, and many of them do. Last week, one of the women I have been working with over the summer gave birth at home, peacefully, in her place, with her partner alongside her. She came back to the city from abroad because she felt the need to give birth "at home". She didn't just mean in her own apartment, on her own bed. She meant "in her home". She missed the smells of her city; the bicycles; the streets and trees of the place she knew - she knows - as her own home.

When I am invited to accompany a woman during her reproductive experience, whether that is pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, abortion, infertility experiences, or the decision whether or not to have children, I try to facilitate a way that she can work her way back to her "home". We all have a centre place, a home, that we need to be able to return to. When we can't return, we get lost. We get lost in other peoples' needs and desires. We get lost in addictions. We get lost in our jobs. We get lost in cleaning up. We get lost in the search for money or new things. We get lost and then the Hungry Ghost finds us and we feel empty all the time, and hungry, and we don't even know what we are hungry for. But the answer is, we're missing our Home.

I've never felt I had a geographic home. I moved from one continent to the next all my life: Africa, North America, Europe. I love the Canadian Rockies. I feel at home when I'm on a trail. I love the desert. Give me temperatures at body temp or higher, and I'm happy. Then again, I love the challenge of a 20 k run in 20 below zero. 
But I wouldn't say I have a home, like, I don't feel "at home" anywhere. I am at home when I'm with any number of my five children and their spouses. I'm at home when I'm running a long distance. I'm at home ... when I'm on a plane, looking down at my planet.

I listen with awe to people who speak of missing their home, how they miss the taste of a place, or the feeling of the wind on their faces in their home place. My journey is different: because I've never felt the geographic pull of home, I seek to find my centre, and I accompany others on their own journeys to their centres. When a woman is birthing in her centre, she is birthing at home. When she gives birth in her power, at the centre of the event, she has found her home. My job is to navigate with her so she can find the path home. Sometimes there are huge prickly trees in front of the entranceway. Sometimes her home is very small, so small she can trip on it at night. Sometimes she needs to lose something in order to find her home. Sometimes she needs to let go of one place to journey to the other.

Peace.


Sunday, June 27, 2021

Makeup for an Old Tomboy


You all probably know by now that I am a new grandma!!! I can't believe I am actually allowed to say that, but yes. It's true. I feel like it's a gigantic rite of passage, and an honour, and more joy than I thought I would be allowed.. but yes, the wheel is turning as it should. And I am growing older and my children are now having children. As it happens, as it should. So be it.
My moon cycle ended when I turned fifty, or rather, the bleeding part of it, because of course I am still led by the moon and she still affects my body. But the miracle of bleeding every month has passed, and it passed with a dramatic few months when every 23 days or so I would lose what seemed like a bathtub full of deep rich blood.
I gained a lot of extra weight after I had my fifth child at 44. I was miserable, and I was eating too much and badly. I was lonely and out of my element. I felt trapped and disgusted with myself. The younger smarter woman would have left the trap she found herself in, but the older and slower one didn't.
But it was fine, because then I started to run, and run, and run until in 2018, on Mother's Day, I ran 26.2 miles. I felt great! I have always been the type of person who wants a physical challenge: back when I had a farm and four little boys I would always be physically busy. Even being a birth companion is physical. But running long distances is the best! So I just kept running. Every day.

But then Covid happened, and although I kept on running, I entered into a new phase of my relationship with my body.

Maybe because I was always running alone. Maybe because I hurt my foot so I had to take a break. Maybe because my Covid stress came out this way, but I started going through the same kinds of feelings many of us go through as girls when we start to reach adolescence. I remember being so terribly shy; so embarrassed about myself; so uncomfortable with my new breasts.
And suddenly, at 64, my infernal mask started giving me a rash on my face that looked suspiciously like my teenage acne. I started feeling self-conscious when I was out running, sure that people were looking at me and wondering why the plump older lady was lumbering down the street with a running watch on. The nightmare of adolescent self-consciousness started to mix and match itself around in my head, until I realized that I had the answer.

I've never worn a lot of makeup. My mother wore it, but she never passed on any tips. I went through a heavy black eyeliner look when I was a hippie, and then when I flirted with punk. But mostly I love lipstick. I've always worn it - every different color from the lightest pink through deep red to almost purple, and a lighter orange for the summer. 
Covid meant that my lipsticks all disappeared into a drawer. I was wearing it for a while at the beginning until I realized that lipstick plus mask makes a mess. I've been going out every day into the world feeling somehow... naked? 

That's what Covid has done to us. We're all feeling naked, or something close to it. Threatened, maybe. Either by the virus itself or by peoples' reactions to it. People are acting wonderfully and awfully. The best of us has come out, and the worst. Our reality has been jolted, as it is when we go through a life change like puberty, pregnancy or menopause. We've been pushed out of our daily routines, our habits, the familiar ways we used to interact with people.
So I feel self-conscious and weird. So does my friend and my neighbour, and even the young woman at the gas station. We're wearing our masks, and no lipstick, and many of us have gained some weight especially around the belly because of our extra high cortisol levels.

But I think I am seeing a little pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. I see people interacting in different ways, and trying to create a new, better place for us to live. Of course, I could equally go the darker way and note how much more oppression and repression and basic bullshit there is, which is undeniable. The social media have made us worse as a species, not better. But let's say things are getting better. Let's say every "smile with the eyes", every kind act, every time someone went out of their way in the tiniest way, let's say those little things did add up to a mountain of change, and let's say we are moving to a new er and better "normal". 

Most birth journeys include pain, or at least a few moments of .... to call it discomfort is to minimize it ... ok, let's call it intensity. Most of the birth journeys I have witnessed have had several of these moments: before, during and after the child is born. Maybe this is a time of birthing change. Maybe we are birthing a new world, and the intensity and transition that we all feel is part of it.

But lipstick helps. 



 

Wednesday, June 16, 2021

The Language of Loss


The word "miscarriage" implies that somehow the carrier fucked up. The woman's body wasn't effective in "carrying" the fetus to a healthy end: a live birth. "They" say early miscarriage, that is, before about 10 weeks, happens in around 15% of all pregnancies, but I don't know how you could really tell since many very early pregnancy losses would be interpreted as a heavy period.

Anyway, this word "miscarriage" started to be used in the context of pregnancy loss in the 1500s. A more useful word is abortion: "ab" is a prefix that indicates that something didn't happen; "-ortion" comes from "oriri": I rise, get up. I appear, become visible. I am born, come to exist, originate. So, an abortion doesn't place blame on the carrier, it just names what happened, that the baby didn't come to exist.

Many women who suffer pregnancy loss keep it to themselves. They don't tell their stories, either because they feel ashamed that they lost the baby, or because they're worried about what other people will say, or because they don't know how to express the grief they feel. Women who decide to have therapeutic abortions, also, keep their decisions private, don't know how people will react, and don't know how to express the real emotional fact that although they decided to end the pregnancy, they still feel grief.

The reasons for early pregnancy loss are mostly unknown. Some causes could be a lack of progesterone, an embryo with chromosomal malformations,  an ectopic or abdominal pregnancy, and other reasons that remain a mystery to us. Later pregnancy loss is even more of an unknown and usually the result of an abnormality that would be incompatible with life. Unfortunately, intimate partner abuse is a recognized cause of pregnancy loss up to and including the late third trimester, as are other forms of trauma.

There are studies and statistics that talk about all of these things, but basically when it happens to you, your statistic boils down to 100%. If you've never had a pregnancy loss, it shoots down to 0%. Most women during a normal reproductive life will be pregnant a few times, have a live baby or two, and lose a couple of pregnancies, either on purpose or not. 

But the reality of losing a pregnancy, especially a later one, is something that women don't talk about much, and that means that when it does happen to you, you feel like you have nowhere to turn. People don't know how to react: they'll suggest that you should've taken certain vitamins, seen a different care provider, or done yoga. They won't know how to deal with your grief. As a whole, this society is awful at coping with any kind of pain, whether it be physical or emotional. So losing a baby is just one of those things it's best not to talk about.

Baby Magic, the podcast, is a place where women tell their stories. This week I spoke to Laura about her son's birth during her second trimester, and about how she and her family coped with the loss, learned from his birth, and what she believes women need during this difficult unfolding of the childbearing year.

Baby Magic Podcast

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Knife's Edge - Life is Suffering

Today, I am grateful for the Edge. My gratitude alphabet is moving slowly, and I got stuck at E for Edge.

I like to live on that knife edge, where you never really know what's going on, but where you're so keenly aware of the Mysteries that life is always interesting. I get really, really sad sometimes, along with being really, really joyful, and what often keeps me balanced is the thought that "life is suffering". This means that whatever happens, if it's good, is a gift, and if it's not good, well, life is suffering. So you never really expect that things will be excellent, and then when they are, you're pleasantly surprised. 

So, how can we keep the joy in our hearts? And how can we keep our feet from being cut as we dance on the knife's edge?

  1. Open your mind. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you're right. Whatever the case, it's not worth building fences.
  2. Keep on loving.
  3. Remember, you're always at a crossroads. There is no easy chair you're gonna sink down into.
  4. Keep on moving.
  5. Be attentive! With all six of your senses. Open up as much as you can, and say yes when it's time.














Stay loving. Keep dancing. Play on the edge. 

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Grateful for Dogs?


Even though I have a punk-rocker scar on my head where no hair grows from being bit by Skippy when I was a year and a half and I though it was my ball but clearly he thought it was his - and he paid dearly for his mistake! But anyway, even though that, and a huge scar my mother always had on her elbow from a badly trained guard dog in Uganda, even though these bad dogs bit us, I am now very grateful for dogs and in particular for Stella pictured above. She has taught me about unconditional love, playing, guilt, and determination.

Ok, there we go. So I'm grateful for D for Dogs.

But what I really wanted to talk about was D for Dreams. How we are molded and folded and ultimately completely remade by our dreams. How our dreams make us what we are and in turn we remake our dreams to fit the new person that arises whenever a dream turns sour or gets different, as dreams do.

My first dream: I wanted to dance forever on the sand, wearing little clothing and having the constant presence of my Ayah who loved me (but of course now I realize that she must have had a whole other life and that her caring for me and loving me was only part of the colonial myth that my parents were living).

My second dream: After getting yanked from Uganda to Calgary where it snowed and people wore a lot of clothes, I had a dream. My dream was to be an astronaut. I studied the planets and the stars, bought a telescope, kept a journal where I marked the positions of the stars, built model rockets, and made a small spaceship in my closet where I would head off to space every so often.

My third dream: Adolescence is a bitch. I realized life was hard and no one really knew the truth. I decided it would be a good idea to change the world. I thought I would like to be a doctor.

Then, things went crazy, life intervened, I travelled, had babies, married, and decided I wanted to accompany women in childbirth.

My Birth Dream: 

I studied midwifery and obtained my Certified Professional Midwife qualification. I started studying in 1988, when I was pregnant with my third son. I continued my distance studies for ten years, and then started working as a doula. In 2004 I started the CPM program, and in 2014 just after my mother died, I passed my final exam and became a professional midwife.

Yay!

Except ... except that I had miscalculated and I hadn't really grasped the reality of having a CPM qualification in Canada, where legislation requires midwives to be university trained in order to be licensed in order to work legally.

And now here's the big question: who wants to work illegally as a midwife? If midwifery is actually illegal, you can hone your skills and use your technologies such. as they are (Pinard horn, fetoscope, doppler, palpation, suturing skills, episiotomy if necessary, cord cutting and the like), and then if you really need to, there's always the hospital where you can pretend to be the birthing woman's friend.

But in a situation where midwifery actually is legal but restricted, that makes it much harder for anyone to actually monitor a mother and baby when things start to move outside of the norm. And, despite all sorts of people's convictions, I believe there is a norm that birth usually happens within. There's a certain time span when the woman feels certain things, when baby descends and then emerges. Within that norm, there's a ton of variation, and within that norm there's no need for intervention at all. But when things stretch outside of the normal, that's when the restrictions become dangerous and that's when our hands are tied. Because there are always women, and even more so now that Covid restrictions have made homebirth even harder, there are always women who want to birth their way, in their own home, with whomever they want present. And they call me to ask if I will be their "fly on the wall" in case something happens.

What? How can I fly do anything if the shit's hitting the fan? Granted, shit doesn't tend to unfold at a normal birth.... well of course meconium happens sometimes and mamas poop... but that's not what women are asking me to do.

Let's just use logic here: 

  1. First, let's remember that the original "concept" of the modern doula was the result of a flawed study on maternal-infant bonding. One of the researchers had provided verbal support to the mothers she was observing, and those mothers had quicker and easier labours. So I guess if a mother is planning a "fly on the wall" kind of birth and she wants someone present to encourage and reassure, then she might want to hire a doula
  2. What shit might hit the fan? What are women afraid of? I've asked women and they tell me they're afraid of hemorrhage, of the cord being around the baby's neck, and of something happening with the placenta. Partners are afraid the mother and baby will die. But if a woman is actually worried about these things, why would she place her trust in someone who is actually not allowed to do anything about it? Or does she think that her perfect birth is worth that other woman's livelihood, marriage, and possibly her home?
  3. The unassisted births I've heard about either before or afterwards are those where the mother and her partners decided to give birth either on their own or with select family or with a doula present. NOT with a trained by handcuffed birth attendant. 
There are tough choices to be made, all the time, in the land of the living. I myself always seem to be figuring out exactly how to live on a knife's edge. Yes, I provide prenatal guidance and support. Yes, I have been a "fly on the wall". Yes, I train doulas to accompany mothers to the hospital. Yes, I will tell you that I believe you should call your doctor, or get to a hospital, if I think that is right. No, I don't believe that nature is particularly gentle. No, I don't trust women's bodies. Not after millenia of patriarchy have inflicted deep, deep wounds on our abilities to recognize when it's right and when it's wrong. 

Would I risk everything for a birthing woman? I have and I will. But not for random shit that's hitting a fan that we ourselves turned on. 

Today, I am grateful for Dogs.

Saturday, May 29, 2021

Chaos

Today I am grateful for Chaos. My gratitude alphabet is moving slowly this time around because ... well, because of chaos. 


But actually what I really wanted to talk about here was this:


Ok, let's pretend we don't see the grammatical errors. Sorry to sound like an uptight bitch but I am so upset. Ok, here we go.

Sentence 1: I'm just going to ignore the first question, because that is a huge question and one that I'm trying to answer in a thoughtful and mindful way. So, if anyone actually wants to talk about that, and it's certainly worth talking about, then I respectfully invite you to enter into dialogue with me, but on my terms. Those would be no anonymity, no name-calling, no threats of violence, no libellous claims.

Sentence 2: I do respect people's chosen names and their pronouns. If someone came to me asking for my birth services and wanted to be called whatever, and whichever pronouns, I would absolutely respect their wishes and call them whatever they wanted. "when you go by an alias". Honestly, this phrase fills me with anger, shame, and dread. Anger, because I chose to use my "alias" to write and publish the original post, precisely because no one knows me by my former name and I didn't want to hide behind it.
Shame because Rivka Cymbalist, the name, has roots in a very dark time in my life. Toni Morrison actually had the same problem with her name. She had already divorced Morrison when her first book was going to press, "...I called the publisher and said, oh, by the way, I don't want Toni Morrison to be on the book. And they said, it's too late. They've already sent it to the Library of Congress. But I really would have preferred Toni Wofford." https://www.npr.org/2016/01/22/463901896/i-regret-everything-toni-morrison-looks-back-on-her-personal-life

Dread, because of sentence 3 below. 
Sentence 3: This really gets me because, actually, very few people who know me know that Rivka Cymbalist is not my birth name. Rivka was a name that a rabbi dreamed up for me twenty years ago when I was part of an ultra-orthodox cult. Ok, Cymbalist is my married name which ok, I get that we take our husband's names. But only people who knew me before 1997, or people who were actually part of that cult.... know that Rivka Cymbalist is my pen name. Why did I keep it? Because it's the name everyone knew me by in the birth world, where I have made a difference to very many women and their babies and their lives, by supporting them through birth. So I keep it, like a pet you never really liked but don't want to put down.

Sentence 4: Holy shit! I preach? Nope. 
Respectful maternity care? Yep.
"left a mother with unresolved retained placenta for four hours" This is Libel.
"went to your room to pray" Another clue that the (anonymous and cowardly) writer of this critique might be part of a religious cult, otherwise why would they think I would pray?

Be very clear, whoever you are. This is libel. You have just accused me of doing something that I never did.

Sentence 5: Let's just not bother with this. Ok, I will just mention that in fact the only time I ever used blue and black cohosh tincture was in a hospital with a patient under an OBGYN care who had asked me to try to induce "naturally". The patient had her BP checked every half hour and was under careful supervision. Those herbs are powerful!

Sentence 6: Well, there's so much wrapped up in this question.... let's just say that neither I nor the obstetricians I used to work with are in the habit of leaving a woman to die of infection or hemorrhage.

Chaos is in our blood. It's part of our mystery. It makes us human. As a mother, a wife, a friend, a human .... as a birth companion, a healer ... I try to embrace chaos as much and as often as I can. I try to live on the knife's edge because I've found that if you don't, you get bitter, and you get cut. 

Criticizing others is part of the way that we grow as humans and as cultures. But anonymous, hateful criticism, full of lies and darkness, scares me and although I know that this too is part of the chaos we live within, I'm sad.

So, today I am grateful for chaos.



Saturday, May 15, 2021

Birth Portals

 Today I am on the second letter ... and that would be B, and B stands for Birth Portals.


This was posted on Instagram by @catearth76 and it is so true! But, and I am so full of "but..." and "wait a minute..." and "sorry what?..." these days, but what about those women who don't use that portal to birth their babies?

No, I'm not talking about how wonderful gentle cesarean is and how it's so great that we can lie on the surgical table and do skin-to-skin. Neither am I talking about women whose babies might have died if they hadn't been intervened with.

I'm talking about women who are pushed, coerced, bullied, lied to, manipulated, scared, threatened into agreeing to surgical birth for their babies when there really wasn't any good medical reason for it. This is a fact, it's real, and it's happening in a hospital near you. Especially now that Covid restrictions have made it impossible for a woman to bring the support she needs into the hospital or birth center, and it's made medical workers much more jumpy and afraid.

What is the actual spiritual damage that is done to that miraculous portal when a baby is yanked out through a surgical cut nowhere near the portal? How can we repair that damage? How can we repair that damage to babies, to women, and to the world? 

This is a question I've been struggling with for decades. I started working as a doula in 1997, and I truly thought that accompanying women to the hospital and providing doula support was a valid option. And, yes, I did have a pretty decently low c-section rate (around 10 %, compared to 25% at the hospitals I attended births at). But watching these births wore me down. Watching intelligent, adult women being lied to and treated like children (actually, since when was it fine to manipulate and bully little children?) hurt my soul.

I quit attending births for a while, for various reasons. And now I've started again, and I'm very clear that I only will accompany women who want to KNOW that they hold a sacred portal between their legs, and they WILL NOT be bullied into messing with it. This is my own bias speaking, partly because I wasn't strong enough to do that - I let every Tom, Dick and Harry and their female counterparts bully their obstetric, know-it-all, fear-mongering way into my obstetric activities. And the reasons behind that are many and unsolvable and complex. But I believe that the way I work now is the way to open up that sacred power, so that women can come back to the recognition of their own selves and their own bodies.

Women contact me at various places in their pregnancy journeys. Since I have been back in the practice, I have spoken with women who want me to walk with them throughout their pregnancies, and others who have called me during pregnancy, during labour, or after giving birth. 

When I walk with a woman through pregnancy, we meet online every week and speak for an hour. Sometimes we could talk about books, or what seeds they're planting. Other times we talk about how the pregnancy is progressing, or where they've decided to give birth, and whom they want around them when they're birthing. We talk about their fears, dreams, desires. We try to plan the kinds of support they will have after the baby is born, and they try to imagine what life will be like when they're responsible for feeding and providing for their new baby.

Sometimes we talk about stuff that's happening in their lives, either in the present or in the past, and how that will affect their birthing. Serious abuse in the past affects how we live in the present, and it can definitely affect our ability to reach deep within to find the power it takes to open that sacred portal. Fighting and anger in the present can sometimes mean that a woman no longer has a home where she can feel safe to give birth in, so that is another hurdle for her to jump over. Physical challenges and illness can also affect our body's ability to give birth, but these are rare. Often women worry too much about the physical aspects of pregnancy and birth, and they don't consider the emotional and spiritual weight of their pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

So, I try to walk with a woman and her family through this important time in their lives while maintaining an open spirit and an open heart. My open heart reflects with theirs and together we can find a place where that shy but powerful portal will open. Women are being cut open for no reason. Placentas are being pulled out with no reason. Women are not listened to when they say they have a pain, for no reason. Women are being ignored when they say they are scared, for no reason.

Or, wait, is there a reason? Who could want to keep that portal scarred and closed? Who could want to stop that power from being unleashed in the world? Who could want a world where we all remembered that we are all birthed through a sacred, fiery, spiritual, creative, awe-inspiring portal? Who might be afraid of a world that was held together by witch power and magic? 


Oh, so I forgot - this is a gratitude note! So I am grateful for Birth Portals. I'm grateful for witches, for womanhood, for love. I'm grateful for the circle of women who surround me and protect me. I'm grateful for the moon and the stars.

Monday, May 10, 2021

A Cautionary Tale

I'm starting another Gratitude Alphabet. I first did one back in 2014, after my mother died. I think now is the time for another one: this past year has been foggy and strange for everyone, and sometimes we need to remind ourselves we are grateful.

I'm starting this alphabet with A for A Cautionary Tale.

In January 2020, I decided to start a run streak. That means that I would run at least a mile every single day. I ended up running a total of 1,111 miles during that year, and it was good. It helped me get out of the house; it gave me my much-needed solitude - living with a houseful of related males was fun and sometimes too much; it kept me fit.

In January 2021, I realized that my foot hurt pretty badly. And my muscles were cramping all the time: something was up! I am lucky - I have a family doctor, so I called her up and she sent me for an x-ray of my foot.

The day after the x-ray, I got a scary call. Severe Osteoporosis! No running, huge amounts of calcium and vitamin D, and a bone scan. I also added in some magnesium as I knew that the balance of calcium and magnesium needed to be maintained. My muscle cramps disappeared. My foot continued to hurt. I spent February sitting on the couch in the evenings having a drink (never more than one). Exercise wasn't happening. Oh, yea, I did the Plank Challenge. I can plank for two minutes. 

Bone scan happened. Three weeks passed! That's several different cocktail recipes. I wondered if I would ever be able to run again. Foot hurt. I got a fancy gizmo to wear on my toes. I was still on my feet every day working at my cafe.

March. My doctor calls me and says Oooops, weird. No osteoporosis, in fact my risk level is very very very low. I didn't bother asking why they said at first that I had the severe osteoporosis. Maybe because I'm 64, or who knows. Anyway, I don't have it so that's great! I started running again, short runs. I still want to do a 50k for my 65th birthday. But ... I am running very, very slowly. I feel weird when I run. Sluggish. I wonder if I have Covid. I can't seem to make my muscles move properly, but I'm not tired. Just "sluggish".

I kept running and decided it's the price you have to pay for taking an injury break. My running group leader said that it's the price I have to pay for doing a running streak. I'm just not convinced. Everyone's telling me different things, but none of it really adds up to how I'm actually feeling.

I teach a doula course. One of the main values that guides my practice, as a birth companion and as a teacher, is that we really only have our senses to guide us in this practice. One of our most valuable senses is the sense of intuition. I was chatting with one of my students about her main project, and she randomly mentioned that she takes magnesium at night after a stressful day: it helps her muscles relax and helps her sleep.

The next day, I stopped taking magnesium. A few days after that, I went for a run. I felt so different! I was back to my normal self! Yes, I'm not a fast runner, but I'm surely not a tortoise. I was literally poisoning myself with magnesium because of a suggestion that my doctor had made, on the basis of a false diagnosis!

My advice to you: 

  • Know your body. If it feels weird, then it is weird. Something's wrong. If someone tells you something is happening in your body that just doesn't seem right, then try and figure out what's going on. 
  • Be careful! Don't take supplements, herbs or anything unless you are very sure that it is safe and useful.
  • Trust other people, but not 100%! Even a doctor can be wrong sometimes.
  • If you're an older woman, perhaps a run streak isn't for you. Since my streak, I have been intrigued by how much of our advice in the sports and athletic world (and nutrition, and medication, and medicine...) is based on the adult male body. Women, especially older women, need to train differently from men. They have more stamina, but they burn energy differently, and most importantly, they recover differently. I was doing myself a disservice by emulating my heroes' run streaks, as I wasn't actually listening to what MY body needs. My body needs a day every week to recover and rest. 
I am grateful today for my healthy body, for the time I have to spend, for my lovely doula students.... oh, I am going way beyond A... tomorrow will be B.

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Cesarean Awareness Month

It's funny they would have a month for a surgical operation. I have the same feeling about Black History Month. Like, if it's important, shouldn't we learn about black history every day we learn about history? Like, shouldn't the history books be rewritten? They're certainly biased....

I digress. Let's deconstruct history another way:

Pithiviers, France, is remembered by some French Jews as the place where their relatives or friends of the family were sent after the Nazis occupied France. There was an internment camp there where families were separated and the adults were sent to Auschwitz to be killed.

We also remember Pithiviers as the place where Michel Odent was head of the maternity ward from 1962 to 1985. Here, he fashioned his notions of natural birth, by creating an environment where women could give birth in an undisturbed way. He provided singing sessions during the prenatal period, birthing pools, and skin-to-skin contact after birth.

Years ago, I was part of a group of birth workers who brought Dr Odent to Montreal to speak. I remember being so shocked when he suggested that there was a causal relationship between the murder and violent crimes rates in some cities in the world, and the cesarean rates. Effectively, he was suggesting that if you have your baby by cesarean, then they are more likely to become a violent criminal. I immediately took a dislike to him and his silly ideas, and, more importantly, I asked myself why there was a whole room of healthy, young women absolutely worshipping his words? There he was, a shrunken old white guy, talking about how babies needed to go through the vagina and arrogantly proclaiming that women who have cesareans are going down the path to hell, and dragging their newborns along with them.

Fast forward a few years and I was up on the stage. We were doing a little panel about VBACs. A woman stood up from the audience and said that she was newly pregnant with her second, hoping for a vaginal birth after a brutal c-section with her first. She wanted advice from a midwife on the panel. This is what she got: "If you want to give birth vaginally, you have to put your big girl panties on and fight for what you want."

And I remember teaching a class to a group of doula students, and the woman teaching with me said that, generally, women who have repeat cesareans have a lot of unprocessed resentment to deal with, and if they dealt with it their chances of VBAC increases. 

So, in a nutshell, three birth professionals said: women who birth their babies by c-section are driving up the crime rates because their children are more likely to be criminals (also, in an article he wrote in 2008, Odent suggested that cesarean birth may produce more male homosexuals); that women who want a vaginal birth after a previous c-section should somehow grow up so that they can achieve this; and that women who have c-sections may be dealing with repressed feelings, and that repression or other negative feelings such as resentment could be the reason for the surgeries.

If we look at these criticisms from a feminist perspective, they seem very similar to the rape dilemma - don't wear provocative clothing, don't go out at night alone, don't drink, or you will become a victim.

There's a feeling amongst the "natural" birth movement that a woman can have a "natural" birth if she wants it hard enough. We can read of powerful, transcendent, wild, free births where a woman moves through portals to meet her child. These are lovely, indeed, but not everyone can have or would want to have that experience.

In my opinion, giving birth is a very private act. It is so varied, the ways in which we birth, almost as varied as, for example, the shapes of our noses, or the leafiness of our labia. Some women want to birth alone, or just with their partner present. Others want their children there too. Some want a doula or two, and a midwife. Other women prefer a physician, and they want to be in a hospital. Some want to have a midwife follow them, and they want a water birth in the birthing centre.

All of these possibilities should be respected as valid, informed choices. So why are they not? Because, often, if a woman chooses to be followed by a medically trained midwife or a doctor, she ends up giving up her right to informed choice and she gets put on a conveyor belt where she is no longer the central person in this sacred, primal event, and she gets things done to her. The birth process gets put on a schedule; the body is examined time and time again; this or that intervention is done until finally all the options have been exhausted and she is wheeled into the operating room.

Yes, having a doula present will decrease your chances of c-section by a decent percentage, especially if you are a mid- to high-income woman living in an affluent country (https://www.cochranelibrary.com/cdsr/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD003766.pub6/full

Women choose to go the hospital to have their babies for many different reasons, and none of these reasons are an excuse for an unwanted and unnecessary c-section. What could these reasons be? 

  • they want the security of being in a hospital
  • they wanted to have a midwife follow them but couldn't find one
  • they don't have health insurance and/or can't afford a midwife
  • they don't have a home that is suitable for a home birth (think abuse, living with a lot of other people who aren't supportive, and those kinds of things)
  • they don't know their options
  • they are forced to because no one will attend them at home because they're carrying twins, or have had several c-sections, or they're obese, or are substance abusers
  • they are followed by a midwife but get transferred to the hospital because of government regulations (labour too long, pregnancy too long, suspected this or that)
  • covid-related issues reduce their choices
Any number of these women could end up being part of the 25-30% of women who give birth in the hospital who end up with a c-section. The WHO suggests that 15% is a reasonable rate. I insist that here in our affluent country, a c-section rate of 5% would adequately save the lives that have to be saved by obstetric surgery.

How can you avoid an unwanted c-section? Ask questions. Hire a doula, or find one for free. Contact me and I will do my very best to connect you to the people you need. Find a midwife. Get a doctor who hears what you're saying. Say no. Don't do anything that seems wrong. 

Let's work together to put the Cesarean section back where it belongs - in the realm of emergency surgery!


Monday, April 5, 2021

Blast from the Past


You know when you decide to do some spring cleaning and before you know it you're deep in yesteryear, smiling over some things, scowling at others (how did I ever think that colour suited me?!?) ... well, that happens to me all the time with my writing and I've been doing a cleanup, getting my Doula Program running better (now that it's virtual I have more to play with but less at the same time...).
Anyway one of my most amazing yesteryear memories was the 13 years (2003-2016) that I was honoured to lead the Montreal Birth Companions. If you read StarHawk's Truth or Dare, you will realize why an anarchist such as myself made structural errors in designing an organization, so that when a seismic event like a sexual assault or even a power struggle hit the structure, it crumbled. People don't do well with anarchy in action, and so my beloved MBC died a natural death. BUT when she was alive, she was powerful, strong, and the MBC doulas literally changed so many women's lives with their kindness, skill, love, and caring.
So, here's a trip down memory lane. 

And if you're in the mood, give me a shout and we can start her up again! There are always, always women in need who cannot afford to pay for a doula. This blog post is from 2013:

provides free doula services, prenatal and postpartum support, and resources for refugee, non-status, and other marginalized women in Montreal.

We are in need of birth companions ... please contact me if you are willing and able to devote some time to our worthy cause.
If you are a doula and you can donate one birth every six months to MBC, we would be happy to have you on board!
We are looking especially for birth companions who are fluent in different languages. We would love to have more doulas from our diverse Montreal communities. We welcome everyone who has an open heart and is willing to donate their time and energy.

The women we serve appreciate the companionship, support and kindness that her doula provides. Women come from many backgrounds, walks of life, stories and histories. But the birthing year is the same: we want to give birth to a healthy baby, and we would like to have that experience to be filled with joy. This is not always possible if it is a sad time in the mother's life, but the presence of a birth companion can help spread the love.

We have clients from all around the world. Right now we are serving women from: Algeria, Haiti, St. Vincent, Germany, India, Nigeria, Philippines, Mali, Senegal, Guinee, and Quebec. Next month, we could receive requests from China, Cameroon, Mexico, the US, or Russia ... we never know where our clients will come from or when they will find us. We have had calls from women in their first trimester, and from women in labor!

Many midwifery students try to gain experience as interns in other countries. Volunteering for MBC is a way that doulas and aspiring midwives can gain experience working with women whose cultural attitudes and lives are very different from their own. It is a way that these doulas and aspiring midwives can really understand that the birth experience is universal, and that accompanying a woman in labor transcends language and reaches across boundaries.

photo used with permission



Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Birth Uprising Manifesto



I have been thinking a lot about my basic values, and I've come to the understanding that these five simple words spell out my goals, in terms of my life work with families through the childbearing year, and specifically with women through their reproductive life journeys.


Safe and Sacred Birth Choices.


Let’s start at the end and work backwards to the beginning!


1. Choices

2. Birth

3. Sacred

4. and

5. Safe


1. Choice


Choices are so important! And in our reproductive lives these days, we do have many, many options and choices. But sometimes we’re presented with choices that we feel have been already made for us, or we don’t understand what choices we have. This is where the idea of informed choice comes in.

Informed choice and informed consent are often used together in a medical setting, but they’re not the same at all. Informed consent means that you’re agreeing to something that someone has explained to you. I said yes to something that you kind of explained was an absolutely necessary thing I had to do.

Consent means I said yes. The informed part can be really vague.

Informed choice can mean that too, but real informed choice means that all of the options are explained to you so that you fully understand them - and their consequences. And then you can make a choice.

A real choice. And that choice, just like in what we like to call consensual sex, might be “no”. "No", I don't want to have a child right now. No, I don't want to be induced. No, I don't want you to do that.


I want choices to be informed, respected, and real for women during their reproductive lives.


2. Birth


Well, birth is where we all come from so it’s pretty important. But birth choices, for a woman, can also mean making the choice not to give birth. Ever. Or not to give birth right away. Our choices around birth start with whether to have a baby or not and move through the whole process after that choice has been made, and beyond.

If you decide to have a baby, then the complex choices start: where will I give birth? Who do I want with me during this childbearing year? How do I want to be treated while I am pregnant and birthing? Why am I being offered this medical choice, or another one? When will my baby arrive? Can I decide when I’m going to give birth? Why does my labour not start? Why does this hurt? What should I do?

There is so much education and respect that is not available for women during their childbearing year.


I want every woman cared for with respect, humility, love, and compassion.


3. Sacred

The word sacred can mean different things to different people. Lots of you might feel some resistance or annoyance with the word. That’s okay. Except that this word might be a key to understanding the childbearing year, women’s reproductive life, and even life in general in a different way. In a way that recognizes and affirms that we are not ultimately in control, that there is something bigger and more wild growing and living through us. Even if it’s chemical reactions, or hormones, or nature (whatever that is) or Spirit, Creator, Universe or God…. if we start to imagine that we aren’t the captain of this boat, ESPECIALLY if we are attending a woman during her childbearing year, then that humility will lead us to a place where we can actually provide better care. If we understand that the body isn’t just the body, and it is made up of physical things and also things that we can’t really name, like emotions, intuitions and thoughts. And that the body and those more unnameable things work together to make not only that human being you are accompanying, but also yourself; So that we come as humans to assist, to attend, to accompany other humans, but never as a higher power or an authority.


Sacred care in birth leads to better physical outcomes, happier babies, happier mothers and a better world.


4. and


"and" can open up so much possibility … I just included it because it’s one of the five words …and why shouldn’t a simple conjunction mean as much as another fancier word? And for me, this is the truth of working with women throughout their reproductive life; again, it’s a question of humility. Who am I, fancy person with years of study, to think of myself as fancier than a simple person who has asked for my assistance? If I decide that she can no longer teach me anything, then I’ve closed the door to real healing. That little word “and” can teach us a lot: it’s a little insignificant word but it binds the two parts of the sentence together. Like love.


Every birthing mother deserves to birth in love.


5. Safe


I’m not going to talk right now about the dangers of childbirth. Just ask Dr Google and you can scare yourself silly. I won’t tell you all the scary statistics or tell you the horror stories. But what I will tell you is that our maternity system, the global maternity system that we have in place right now, is hurting women and babies. The affluent women are surviving technology-led birthing practices that take no account of the whole human beings in front of them. The less affluent women, and the black and coloured women in the US, are being treated worse than animals and are being denied decent care, either because of poverty, racism or both.


I want a maternity care culture where the safety: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, safety of the woman who is birthing the child (or children) is the absolutely most important thing in the world at those moments, for the people attending her.


I am working hard towards this goal.


This week, I’m crying for the mothers I’ve served. The details aren’t necessary for now but I’ve spoken to six women this week; one with a tragedy; one with rage against her doctors; one with a potentially fatal diagnostic error; one with a natural birth that was interfered with; one is expecting to birth alone; one setting her boundaries hard and high.


Women shouldn’t have to fight for their right to have good, respectful care during their childbearing year.


My demands are:


Birth attendants (doctors, midwives, nurses, doulas), do you know that there is a whole movement of women who don’t want to be cared for by you, because they don’t want to be treated badly? They are not children, they are humans with whole lives, and they want to be able to make choices that may be different from yours. These women also deserve SAFE care. Here are some suggestions:


Take some lessons in self-care. This is not an option. You can’t care for others, especially for those who are bringing a new life into this world, if you do not care for yourself.


Cultivate your ability to love others. Love is not an option. You must love the woman you are supporting.


Leave your ego at the door of the birthing room. No, you are not in control. No, you are not the captain, and, no, the buck doesn’t stop with you. You are an assistant, a vessel, maybe even a highly trained one. But your job isn’t to provide judgement.


Be honest. If you don’t want to take extra time before you reach in with an intervention, take the time to explain why and ask yourself honestly if you know what the consequences would be if you waited. If you’ve never waited, and there are no studies to show what happens when you wait, then it’s all superstition and you don’t really know. If you say, “I’m not comfortable with not waiting, but there are no studies to back me up” then a dialogue can begin. If you say, “We have to do blah blah or your baby will die.” then there’s no dialogue, just fear and power and ego.


Be curious. Maybe some of the methods and theories suggested by others are actually valid. Have a look; open your eyes; don’t do a knee-jerk “NO!”. This goes for all of you – I’m not targeting doctors here. I know enough alternative practitioners who are quick to judge as well.


Be attentive. Medical practitioners have forgotten how to be attentive with their senses, and not with their machines: Sight, smell, touch, listening are the four senses we use (and we leave taste for dinner!). And intuition, and the important sense of humour! I don’t know of any kind of healer, where they’re a specialist with sixty years experience or a beginning midwife, who does not value the kinds of messages their intuition will give them, if they’re open.


Listen to the woman who is birthing. Who is she? What does she want? What does she know?


And here's some advice for all you women out there, trying to navigate the realities of your reproductive lives:


Be curious. Ask around and find the path that suits YOU, not your friend, your mother, sister, or even your partner.


Learn and keep on learning. Knowledge is power!


Reach out! There is a whole world out there, and there are people who might be able to give you the answers you are looking for.


Don’t be shamed! Whatever you choose for your journey is your very own choice, based on who you are, who you were and who you will be. Whether to bear a child, where, with whom, and how are all personal choices that don’t belong to anyone except you and your partner. If you feel shamed by a friend, a group or a professional, stay away!


Listen to your body.


Demand choices! Demand your rights! Don’t be bullied, even when you are labouring. If something doesn’t feel right, stand up and say no! If you can’t do that on your own, then hire a doula. If you can't afford a doula, find a free one! I guarantee you I will find you a free doula if you want one…


Know that we love you! Find a community, we are around.


For more information about Birth Uprising, leave a comment or reach out, you can find me!


Love, power, peace and love again.